I Am a Bad Person

We need to talk. It’s about this goddamn cell phone jammer that I have allowed into my life.

When I took delivery on this thing, I made a commitment to only use it in an emergency. I was going to allow brief message-oriented calls and extended conversations that were conducted in hushed, respectful tones. That seemed fair. Well, I’m sorry to report that my good intentions have turned to dust. I have morphed into a horrible, selfish monster. I find knocking people off of their cell phone calls so dastardly and satisfying that I tend to do it whether they deserve it or not. And I don’t just turn on my jammer and leave it on. That would be too easy. I like to torment my prey. I’ll activate my disruptor ray to terminate the call, enjoy their reaction, turn it off, allow them to reestablish the connection and give them the juice again. Wash, rinse, repeat. Awful.

I’ve noticed that there’s a definite correlation between the type of person calling and their reaction to repeated dropped calls. Guys with BlackBerrys? They get the angriest. They are Masters of the Universe and they are being deprived of their Divine Right to use a cell phone for as long and as loud as they see fit. Their sense of entitlement is being compromised and they don’t take it very well. It’s not dissimilar to snatching a blankee away from a two year old.

Yappy sorority chippies are, like, you know, the most persistent? They’ll dial over and over and over again hoping that the connection improves. It never does. (I swear to you, as I was writing this, I hear from two rows behind me, “So, like, are you going shopping with us?” She’ll get hers in a minute.)

The elderly are the best. It takes them a long, long time to finally realize that their call has been terminated. They compensate for the silence on the other end of the line by speaking louder and louder until they’re practically screaming into their phone. I feel kinda bad about them.

I don’t want to get caught walking around town with this thing because I have a sneaking suspicion that it might not be entirely legal to own but I can’t seem to stop myself. I should cool it. Instant karma’s gonna get you. Gonna knock you right on the head.

Vent Central:

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