how to slowly murder your child

I’ve had enough of the politics of pigment for a while. Back to what I enjoy the most: bitchin’!

* * *

7-Year Old Daughter was give the “reward” of a coupon for a free pizza at our local suburban Pizza Hut for reading five books. I love junk food as much as the next guy but, holy Mother of God, why do they feed this stuff to kids?

The salad bar had four metal containers filled with gooey dressings in various shades of grey, yellow and brown. One container was filled with chocolate pudding and another with vanilla pudding. I commented to the waitress that it was the first time I’d ever seen chocolate pudding offered at a salad bar and she said, “Oh, yeah. We do it for the kids. They love it.” Yea, I’ll bet they do.

I saw a mommy share her Coke with her 18-month old. At another booth were two brothers, about 9 and 11, who where a bit “weight-challenged.” One had a t-shirt that read “Thing 1” and the other had a t-shirt that said “Thing 2.” Their faces were buried in a Game Boy Advanced. Neither spoke to the other. They would only pause their game long enough to shove more pizza in their faces.

The desert menu featured Hershey’s chocolate dippers. Here’s the menu description. Remember, these are supposed to be consumed right after you’ve eaten a pizza.

Freshly-baked, soft, melt-in-your-mouth dessert sticks topped with white chocolate and HERSHEY’S® milk chocolate – served with rich chocolate dipping sauce!

spcChocDippersLg1

I wanted to puke.

Now, ain’t that America? Look, I know I’m suppose to set a good example for my daughters and be humble and not put on airs or do anything to appear elitist, but sometimes it’s hard not to feel just a wee bit smarter than some other parents I run across. Please forgive me. As far as I’m concerned, the reading program should be restructured so that if you don’t read five books, you have to eat and work at Pizza Hut. Forever.

38 thoughts on “how to slowly murder your child

  1. Why don’t they reward them with by giving them a book of thier choice? I would have thought by now that program would have changed since my girls were little considering all the information about obesity out there. I think you should write to Pizza Hut Corp. at least it will be a start!MT

  2. Are they still doing the pizza hut reward thing? We used that program back in the early 90’s and I always questioned the idea of food/candy as rewards. I moved away from dinky reward based teaching pretty early in my career.BabyD’s bud driver always gives the kids gift cards for fast food for xmas and we have made use of Mickey D’s for her when we are on long road trips, but we rethought the latter after the last trip to the States. Fast food is okay for a treat on occasion. But we are pretty careful about what she puts in her mouth regularly.

  3. as a kid, one of the coolest ‘reward’ programs was cincinnati reds baseball tickets (two per student) for a 3.7 or higher GPA (junior high and up). sure, the seats were in the nosebleed section of Riverfront Stadium, but i really looked forward to taking my Dad to those games…candy, fast food and ice cream for rewards? probably not a good plan. like the ‘free book’ idea much better…

  4. Christ! This is one of my many pet peeves, this rich, disgusting, nutritionally empty shit that is solely marketed to kids. You know, if someone set up a stand selling heroin outside a school gate people would go absolutely insane, but you can sell shit to kids that will kill them in a much more painful way and it’s not only legal, but endorsed by society. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want kids doing smack – but equally I don’t want them eating chocolate pizza sticks. Where is the common sense?

  5. Okay. I just had a brainstorm. Next time 7-year old daughter gets one of these coupons I’ll trade it in for a half hour of solid Mom or Dad time (sans 2-year old Daughter). She’ll love it even more than pizza (I hope)! – Wife

  6. Annie: I wouldn’t want to ban junk food entirely. That’s a recipe for disaster. But using it as a reward is an even bigger mistake.Pop: It IS revolting, right? It’s not just me.Daisy: Oh, I like the baseball game reward. Can I steal that?AFM: Doing the wrong thing for the kiddies. Same theme as your most recent post.Wife: ANOTHER great idea! Where do they come from?

  7. You know why you feel superior? Because you are.We are so afraid — because we’re all “equal” — to step up and say, “I’m thinking that the dollar menu is not the way to go”. But the fact is that there are people feeding their children chocolate covered pizza crust dipped in chocolate sause before they eat any “real” food, people putting pop in bottles. Pearl

  8. yeah, i liked it when my kid got good grades and the reward was a game to the local pro baseball game. and we are teaching our children to be fast food junkies. it just seems easier to let them eat than teach them good habits. bad one on us. and i can see why… i found myself drooling at the sight of the chocolate… [shaking my head]. how to beat this?

  9. Pizza Hut is not pizza, yet here in Oz, it seems to be the only thing my husband likes. I come from a family that makes healthy, home made pizza for xmas dinner. I’m with you.

  10. Pearl: Sorry. I was raised a Catholic in Ohio. We’re just not hard-wired to feel superior to anyone or anything.Gnu: I love chocolate as well but for some reason this left me wanting to urp. Perhaps because it comes at the tail end of a pizza dinner. Suzer: A new comment from OZ! Hello! And I thought it was going to be just another dull Friday morning. Pizza for Christmas? What’r ya from Chicago or sumpthin’?K: Ha. Sucker. Always hold out for some form of compensation.

  11. um…I’d totally tap that. Maybe it’s because here in S. Ohio, that IS healthy food. What. It’s not battered and fried, is it? My kid brings home those Pizza Hut coupons too and so far we haven’t gone. I don’t agree with that being a reward for good studentry. Bad Bad idea. But still, right now, this minute, I’d hit that.

  12. Wow. For a second there after I read your title I became concerned. Im hoping that when I finally grow up and have little crib midgets of my own I’d have enough sense in my head left to avoid places like that. In my fantasies if Im gonna feed something to my kids that will accidentally kill them then it will be home cooked food by golly!

  13. *twitch*I thought, er, hoped, that they did away with the whole pizza-for-books thing.Great, now I’ll have to add this to “the list of irrational fears stemming from motherhood”.And those chocolate things peeked my interest, until your description.After reading this, I’m not so sure I even want pizza at this point.

  14. Great blog! Is your theme custom made or did you download it from somewhere?A theme like yours with a few simple adjustements would really make my blog shine. Please let me know where you got your theme.Thank youAlso visit my blog: click hereMy web site > the erotic

  15. wonderful points altogether, you simply gained a new reader.What could you suggest in regards to your post that you simply made some days ago? Any sure?Here is my website; visitAlso see my web page :: click here

  16. Good day! This is kind of off topic but I need some help from an established blog. Is it difficult to set up your own blog?I’m not very techincal but I can figure things out pretty quick. I’m thinking about creating my own but I’m not sure where to start. Do you have any ideas or suggestions? ThanksCheck out my web site; 1

  17. Have you ever considered writing an e-book or guest authoring on other websites?I have a blog centered on the same subjects you discuss and would love to have you share some stories/information.I know my visitors would enjoy your work. If you’re even remotely interested, feel free to shoot me an e-mail.Here is my site … http://www.interactus.com.ar/twitter/kariconno

  18. Fantastic blog! Do you have any suggestions for aspiring writers? I’m hoping to start my own website soon but I’m a little lost on everything.Would you advise starting with a free platform like WordPress or go for a paid option? There are so many choices out there that I’m completely confused .. Any recommendations? Thanks a lot!Also visit my web site :: visit

  19. My spouse and I stumbled over here by a different website and thought I should check things out.I like what I see so now i am following you. Look forward to looking over your web page again.Here is my blog; more College Orgies

  20. Hey there! This is my first comment here so I just wanted to give a quick shout out and say I really enjoy reading through your articles.Can you suggest any other blogs/websites/forums that go over the same subjects?Thanks a lot!my homepage :: this post

  21. I comment when I especially enjoy a post on a blog or I have something to contribute to the conversation.It is a result of the fire communicated in the post I browsed. And after this article “how to slowly murder your child”.I was excited enough to write a leave a responsea response 🙂 I actually do have a couple of questions for you if you do not mind.Is it just me or do some of the comments come across like they are left by brain dead folks? 😛 And, if you are writing at other places,I’d like to follow anything fresh you have to post. Would you list every one of all your public sites like your twitter feed, Facebook page or linkedin profile?Also visit my weblog; please click the following post – http://www.universells.com

  22. Wonderful article! This is the kind of information that are meant to be shared across the web. Shame on the seek engines for not positioning this post upper!Come on over and seek advice from my web site . Thank you =)Stop by my weblog :: chatclimax.com/

  23. Hi! I understand this is kind of off-topic however I needed to ask. Does building a well-established website like yours take a large amount of work? I am brand new to running a blog but I do write in my journal daily.I’d like to start a blog so I will be able to share my own experience and views online. Please let me know if you have any suggestions or tips for new aspiring bloggers. Appreciate it!Also visit my page: visit

  24. Admiring the time and energy you put into your website and detailed information you provide.It’s awesome to come across a blog every once in a while that isn’t the same outdated rehashed information. Great read!I’ve saved your site and I’m adding your RSS feeds to my Google account.Here is my blog Visit website

  25. Awesome blog! Do you have any tips for aspiring writers?I’m planning to start my own site soon but I’m a little lost on everything.Would you recommend starting with a free platform like WordPress or go for a paid option?There are so many choices out there that I’m totally confused .. Any ideas? Appreciate it!Stop by my website … Click Here

  26. Greate article. Keep writing such kind of information on your page. Im really impressed by your blog.Hello there, You have performed a great job. I will definitely digg it and personally recommend to my friends.I am sure they will be benefited from this website.Here is my blog post … Helpful Site

  27. Hi everyone, it’s my first pay a quick visit at this web page, and piece of writing is genuinely fruitful for me, keep up posting these articles.

Vent Central:

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s