Welcome to Ohio! (Caucasians only, please.)

Living on the East Coast, I tend to forget just how conservative people have become in the middle parts of the country. I’m in the lovely Buckeye State of Ohio for the holiday and some people out here are plenty pissed. This place has gone Red State in my absence. I pulled into the local Dunkin Donuts for a badly-needed coffee infusion and ran into this charming fella:

gop+11 There’s no ambiguity about where his sentiments lie. I think the majestic bald eagle imagery is particularly effective, don’t you? He might have stolen that from Stephen Colbert. F- for originality.

On the other side of his pickup truck was this:


In case you weren’t sure who he’s referring to specifically, that bumper sticker—the one where he calls illegal aliens criminals—those are the colors of the Mexican flag. Got it? Lots of ANGER out here, folks. Lots of anger.

* * *

Only a rank amateur would dive into a Thanksgiving dinner without a proper battle plan. It takes careful preparation that begins a day or two beforehand with limiting the amount of food you eat. You have to get your guts in shape for the big event.

The execution of your strategy on the day of the meal is equally important. I prefer a two-pronged attack. The first wave of attack is always the traditional Thanksgiving food. Your plate is the battlefield.

Once you’ve won that battle and catch your breath, you’re ready for the second wave. Target: the Italian delights.

The Italian portion of the meal is prepared a few days ahead of time. There’s simply not enough time to prepare all that food in one morning. But there’s an added benefit. It’s a scientifically proven truth that if you make homemade marinara sauce, meatballs and neck bones and allow them to sit for a day or two, it actually becomes more flavorful and succulent. It’s a fact!

The danger with that strategy is that having a big bowl of meatballs sitting around the house for two days leaves them vulnerable to early attacks from other armies. You have to draw a line in the sand.

Tonight: Leftover city, bitches.

17 thoughts on “Welcome to Ohio! (Caucasians only, please.)

  1. Ohio’s always been pretty ‘red’, as in ‘redneck’. the twist in popular sentiment, via screaming heads on television, has simply emboldened them. at least this guy knows how to spell…

  2. I discovered recently that Americans prefer to eat mashed potato with turkey and chicken rather than roast potatoes. Whereas we in the old country prefer both – but ALWAYS roasties – come what.

  3. kykn: Another astute observation. How do you do it?Daisy: I always thought this place was a pretty good balance between the two but it reached a tipping point.Nurse: I think this man’s whole outlook doesn’t make any sense.Ellie: It does come as a shock to some folks but this is how we Italians run the Thanksgiving show.Jo: I think his problems are a lot deeper than that. It’s born from a lack of self esteem.Pat: Do you know what mashed potatoes taste like? They taste like going home.

  4. Scarlet: A bit of turkey gravy on the mashed and there you have it: a big plate of heaven.TB: They’re everywhere, that’s for sure, but I don’t recall them being quite so vocal and militant about it. Hope it’s a passing phase and we can all get down to a dialogue without the pissyness.

  5. With turkey, it’s always mashed!! And Scarlet? You mash them with a big dollop of butter and some milk (or cream if you don’t care about calories), whip them up to creamy smoothness, then ladle on some mouth watering gravy!The spaghetti I can do without. Not with turkey around! Although up here, there’s often cabbage rolls and perogies present (due to the large Ukranian population).The redneck? I can live without that kind around… they just seem to get set off about things way too easily. Oh! My word verification is “bookeric”. Seems appropriate, somehow! 🙂

  6. Ponita: It’s it interesting how the pockets of nationalities have an effect on our cuisine? There is, as you can imagine, a large Italian contingency here in Ohio. Thus, the pasta on Thanksgiving.Scarlet: That’s HYSTERICAL! Thanks!

  7. The meatballs look divine, worth risking the wrath of the note writer, even.We have barmy people here too, who think anyone not like them is evil, they must live in constant fear.

  8. I would have politely asked are pick up man what he thought about all those Canadians sneaking over the border, just for fun of course… and i don’t care if the fridge was booby trapped those meatballs would have been gone, those plates of pasta have me drooling and thinking of St. Rocco’s carnival.

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