Look what they’ve done to our baby!

Here is fluffy, cuddly, cute-as-a-teddy Coco:

photo coco1 Here’s the same dog after we picked her up from our insane dog groomer:

cocophoto 3
Sweet Mother of Jesus! I simply cannot stop laughing. Just look at the humiliated, “How could you do this to me?” expression in her eyes. Every time I hear “Shut up, Dad! It’s not funny!” I laugh harder. Hang in there, Coco. I know what it’s like to suffer a bad haircut. It’ll grow back. But that’s cold comfort today.

*     *     *

Katie Holmes is my new pretend girlfriend. For a long time, Mary Louise Parker was my pretend girlfriend. Mary Louise has the pretty face and girl-next-door looks I swoon over. I saw her in a few plays. Sat damn close to the stage, too. On more than one occasion, we made eye contact. I’m sure of it. We had a moment of mutual understanding. I was hers. She was mine. It’s no matter that she had a baby with that barbarian Billy Crudup. That boy. That oaf. We still had an understanding about each other.

I once had a brief flirtation with Marisa Tomei. She tried to steal me away from Mary Louise. Same modus operandi. We locked eyes when she was on stage and I sat in the second row. It was an electric moment. For a while after that, all I thought about was being with Marisa. But I went back to Mary Louise. Crudup abandoned her for bony old Claire Danes. While she was pregnant, no less! I couldn’t abandon her, too.

But I’m sorry, Mary Louise. I just saw Katie Holmes in a play and I belong to her now. What a face! I love her crooked little smile. Her button nose. We couldn’t lock eyes because I sat in row P. I had to use my theater binoculars to even see her eyes. But the feeling was absolutely electric, absolutely present in the house and absolutely correct. She is mine.

Her hair is long now. Did you know!? Three quarters of the way down her back. Throughout the play, her hair was in a ponytail. In the last scene, she wanted to make her desire known to some idiot boy on stage, so she whipped off her ponytail band and fluffed her hair through splayed fingers. She shook it out and although it didn’t happen in slow motion, that’s how I replay it in my mind’s eye. I think she did that just for me. Don’t you?

I was so smitten that it wasn’t until an hour after the final curtain that I realized the play wasn’t very good. Her acting was serviceable if not, dare I say?, a bit flat. That evening, they had announced an early closing date due to mixed-to-poor reviews and declining ticket sales, which would account for the dispirited performances.

Earlier in the day that rag, the New York Daily News, splashed across its front page the fact that Tom Cruise was dating some hatchet-faced skank who lives out in Queens. They made a big deal out of him dating someone “…right in Katie’s back yard!” That, plus the early closing of her play? She needs a sympathetic ear. Someone to bring her a cup of hot cocoa with a marshmallow on top.

*     *     *

Happy New Year, bitches! At 6:40 a.m., Times Square was already in semi-lockdown mode. As usual, I’ll be hiding under my bed.

38 thoughts on “Look what they’ve done to our baby!

  1. Poor Coco really does look disgruntled with her new hair cut. I wouldn’t take her back there again; they could have at lease left a little “fluff” on top. As for Katie I always thought she was just a naturally beautiful girl. Stick with her.Have a great New Years I am sure 2013 has got to be better than 2012! I leave 2012 with no regrets only lessons learned and a stronger person…..MT

  2. I do hope Katie doesn’t give a damn about whomever Tom Cruise is dating. Marrying Tom should be like catching a cold – something you don’t miss when it’s over. Maybe you should introduce Coco to Katie. If a woman strokes your pooch, you’ve got to first base.

  3. ok, now it published? wtf? anyway, poor coco! how could you? and in the dead of winter, too! *laughing my ass off here* poor puppy, but yea for katie, right? *L* happy new year, sweet pea! xoxoxox

  4. I am looking you in the eye, do we have an understanding?!Yep, Katie did well to be rid of Tom… even rotten reviews probably don’t hamper the relief she feels to be free of him… and Coco reminds me of me after a haircut, but it grows quick!Happy New Year, Mr Banish!!Sxxxx

  5. OH my good gods! For a moment there, I thought you were warm for Sarah Jessica Parker! Whew! That would have been really scary…like finding a horse head in your bed!Poor little dog!Go out RIGHT NOW and buy her a swanky, up-town coat.

  6. Poor pup, in the middle of winter too. That is the same expression my cats give me when I’ve forgotten to let them in when it starts raining.It might take Katie some time to thaw out- de-zombify- and get her emotions back to act well.

    • Again–what’s with this poor pup stuff? I paid a fortune for that mess. What about MY loss?I used to date a lot of actresses. They all pour their pain into their acting. Instead of being distracted, she could have used it to turn in an epic performance. But I understand. “We’re closing your show early because not enough people are buying tickets” is a jagged little pill. Plus, she’s my Katie. How could I not understand?

  7. LOL, LOL…Love this post! It was so filled with love and disdain, ALL at the same time…! I’m happy for you that you have a “new Love”….It is a shame the play did not run…!Your dear dog Coco…How could the Groomer do that to such a Beauty? I WOULD SUE!!!!HAPPY NEW YEAR, My Friend…!

    • Love and disdain is the very essence of not only my blog but my life! Suing is an excellent idea. I’d consult an attorney but I’m laughing too hard to dial the phone. Happy New Year to you, too. Pleased to meet your acquaintance.

  8. Tom Cruise? I can’t even look at pictures of that bollix! He makes my blood boil.WHY the fuck did you do that to a cuddly critter? Poor Coco. If I showed these pics to my youngest she would have the same feelings for you as I have for Tom Fuckface!HNY pal! :¬)

  9. just so you know, everybody here saw poor coco and first, everyone said, “poor coco” and then, laughed like hyenas and agreed with you! or as one of the krewe said, “now THAT’s some funny shit!” you’re aces with the krewe, baby! ;~) xoxo

  10. That dog needs a coat. And a hat. Or perhaps a paper bag to wear until the facial fur grows back. Reminds me of when my ex-husband would shave off his winter beard – the dogs would bark at him, the kids would laugh and i’d become well acquainted with hiding my giggles as we got used to his shaved face…And this DOES mean that MLP is now ALL MINE! You can have the giddy — VERY RICH — ex-Mrs. Cruise. i don’t feel too sorry for her. she cleaned him out. nice work if you’re pretty enough to get it…

    • Paper bag comment made me do a spit-take. You’re the best. That dog is going to suffer publicly, but we will buy her some clothing for the cold months ahead. You can have my sloppy fantasy seconds and claim MLP. Mitts off of my sweet Katie, please.

  11. Wait, was that $58.60? i’ll do that shit for half the price… since i rarely see a flick or play i don’t really have any movie star crush, though i’d share a spliff with MLP and see if i could talk her out of her skirt.

    • Finally! Someone who sympathizes with me instead of the dog! Thanks, brother.100% true story: Way (WAY!) back when I first moved to NYC, I had a friend who was a guitar player. This guy went on a couple dates with MLP. He bailed out on her. Now, she’s MLP and he’s nowhere to be seen.

  12. ‘Your baby’ who you originally disliked – looks just like a miniature dachshund – Brunette – we used to have in the family. BTW you seem to have a penchant for brunettes.

    • Don’t make any assumptions. Liking that dog is still a long ways away for me. I was assured that I’d fall in love with her but it hasn’t quite happened yet. I’m not 100% confident that it ever will.You might be interested to know that Mrs. Wife has ginger hair. I take on all comers. I don’t discriminate.

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