More bad news for poor Katie Holmes

I know what I wrote. You don’t have to remind me. I can scroll down and read my own unenlightened blather. I was sincere at the time. That happens, you know. But as Woody Alan said when confronted with seducing his decades-younger stepdaughter, the heart wants what the heart wants. And my heart wants a new pretend girlfriend.

Mary Louise Parker was my pretend girlfriend for quite a few years. We were happy together. She forgave me when I had a brief flirtation with Marisa Tomei and I forgave her when she let that ass-clown Billy Crudup impregnate her. [What kind of name is Billy for a grown man, anyway? Billy is fine if you’re a 8-year old boy. Or a hamster.] Nothing heals a pretend rift like some pretend make-up sex. Then Katie Holmes came into my life. She of the tussled hair and bright twinkling eyes, making a connection with a certain someone in the 16th row of the orchestra section. I was hers. Forever.

Well, guess what? It turns out that forever lasts exactly 21 days. Who knew!? I saw Scarlett Johansson in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof and I have officially ended my relationship with Katie Holmes. Just look at this. Look at it.

She spent nearly the entire first act in a silk slip. I was weak. You’d be, too. I’m talking to BOTH genders. I don’t care where you think your proclivities lie, you’d have considered it. Once again, I was in back of the house. This time, the second last row of the orchestra, which is an embarrassment, but it’s all I can afford. The spidery, silver threads of imaginary love leapt across 26 rows of seats and wrapped my heart in a cocoon of want. Do you know what’s great about binoculars? You don’t have to be a gentleman and mind your manners.

She ain’t no Liz Taylor, but she’s not some Hollywood hack, either. She killed last year in Arthur Miller’s A View from the Bridge, so there was reason to believe she could handle this. Maggie the Cat is a woman who exudes longing, unfulfilled desire and, above all else, lust, lust, lust. She sure as hell looked the part, but she played it kind of shrill and desperate. And desperate is not hot. It’s no wonder Brick was trying to drink himself to death and could only muster an indifferent erection. It wasn’t a bad production but I expected better. The reviews come out tomorrow morning so I’ll know better what I’m supposed to think then.

No matter what the critics say, I’m dedicating myself to Scarlett. I’m sorry Katie. I know you’ve had a tough year. Hounded by the paparazzi. Your Broadway show closed early due to lack of interest. The father of your child believes in a religion based on events that occurred 75 million years ago in a Galactic Confederacy ruled by the tyrannical overlord Xenu. But you’re strong. You’ll rise above it. By any chance, would you be up for a threesome? You don’t have to answer right away. You can think it over. You know where to find me. I’ll be in the dressing room filled with orchids and lilies over at the Richard Rogers Theater.

*     *     *

There are some decorative art nouveau posters hanging where I work. They’re authentic pieces, not the poorly framed examples you see in the mall poster shop with washed out colors and inferior paper. Someone went to a poster auction with a serious corporate decorating budget and splurged. This is one of my favorites, but not because of the aesthetics of the artwork. I actually think it’s kind of ugly. But you can’t beat the content. Look at that poor baby! Is this for real?!


Did they really strap babies to the handlebars like a loaf of bread, restrain their right arms and go out for a ride? Can you imagine if you saw someone do this today? I’ll bet she wouldn’t have a big smile on her face, as is depicted here. And imagine if the nursemaid hit a big stone took a tumble! I love it.


36 thoughts on “More bad news for poor Katie Holmes

  1. i saw an interview with her recently and was impressed by her attitude about her chosen profession. :~) re the poster? seriously, you expect reality from the french???? *smirking* xoxoxoxox

    • I can’t tell if that’s one of your witty sarcasms or if you really are moved by her dedication. I give her tons of credit for tackling tough sons of bitches like Arthur Miller and Tennessee Williams. She could very easily just cruise doing Avenger movies the rest of her life.

    • y’all give me too much credit, sugar! i was serious regarding the delightful scarlett. she’s a working actor and in the interview that was her approach to her craft: an ongoing refinement of her skill. (i now have to stop thinking of my self as a practitioner of witty sarcasms!) xoxoxoxox ;~)

    • I don’t understand your point. I have every intention of taking her out for a drink. What?Stranger Than Paradise! One of my favs! It was filmed in my hometown of Cleveland, Ohio and captures the essence of that place perfectly. In glorious and appropriate black and white no less! Daisy and Kono, have you sen it?

  2. I think she’s a doubled-teed Scarlett, but what the heck. There was a time when she was only moderately sexy, in that movie with Thora Bird, so it’s nice to see her blossom. Could you talk to her like Bill Murray in Lost in Translation? I think she likes pensive, world-weary guys.

  3. Alright, buddy. Now you’re poaching my imaginary girlfriend, AGAIN!?!?! First, you claimed Mary Louise Parker. i will NOT sit by and let you take a run at Scarlett (yes, two “T’s”). She is mine. Has been ever since “Lost in Translation”. Back off and you won’t get hurt… Grrrr…(weird. we have the same taste in women. now i know why you’ve never let me meet Mrs. Wife!)

    • Okay, already! I fixed the typo! Looks like you and I are going to have to settle it in the octagon. Hey…do you think Scarlett would join us? On the commute home this evening I listened to The Book of Mormon. Thought of you, dear.

  4. LOL, LOL….Oh this did my soul good, and my heart….I LOVE the way you write!!!As to Scarlett…I think she is a very very talented actress—and has so much more “sex appeal” than Katie Holmes…Katie is a bit too White Bread for me….Scarlett has TRUE Soul!As to “Maggie”….I think it is a very very difficult part and the play, for me, is not one of my Williams Favorites. I think Scarlett is a very brave actress–Truly! I’m not in love with her, but I can inderstand exactly what you are saying about her….She is voluptuous(?) and all WOMAN….I think you have chosen well, mu dear…!Back in the day…MOST straight-plays(as opposed to Musicals) were three acts and the ‘show’ didn’t start till 8:40pm….! I don’t know how THEY did it and I don’t know how WE did it, as an audience—But they did and we did! And we LOVED every minute of it, when the play was good!That poster is scary!!! One wonders what they could have been thinking!! OY! That could effect the rest of the babies life, For Sure!!!

    • Scarlett really is soulful. For all my preening about being with her, I’ll bet she’d eat me for breakfast and forget I exist by lunch.CAT was Tennessee’s favorite play. It’s basically a two-hander; Brick and Maggie in Act 1, Brick and Bid Daddy in Act 2, the whole clan in Act 3. Some plays fly by, regardless of length. I’m sure you’ve experienced that. I pray the poster is a representation of something that actually occurred. I love the thought of going to the park and seeing babies strapped to the handlebars. And no helmet! Now, they’re so protected.

    • As I suspected, the reviews this morning were not good, but they gave her the respect she deserves for taking on such a heavy load. The entire production — all those jobs, right down the the ushers — are because of her. Imagine it!

  5. I haven’t read the reviews, but NPR did a story on the revival yesterday and played some audio. Scarlett’s accent was harsh and completely unbelievable. It sounded like fingernails on a chalkboard–I could barely listen to 30-second sound bites, much less 2 hours.

    • Boy, is it nice to see you again! Where the heck have you been? No new post in forever. I just read that one of the blog I follow, The Kitchen Bitch Ponders is shutting down for good. Another favorite of mine, The Daily Smoke doesn’t post very often anymore, either. You’re not going that way too, are you? Do you think it’s easy to find readable stuff like yours?It’s funny you should mention her accent. In the New York Times review, Ben Brantley said, “…her accent is strangely common. (At times she sounds like Hattie McDaniel as Mammy in “Gone With the Wind.”)” That’s mean but it’s funny. And accurate. But I still respect her for doing it.

    • UB–you’re very kind. I keep thinking about blogging, but I feel like I’ll be repeating myself. I miss Ellie too, but she’s done more than I have recently. Of course, I write for a living, so sometimes blogging is a bit of a busman’s holiday. However, you do encourage me, so I promise to think about it. 🙂

  6. My pretend girlfriend for years was ‘Tasha Yar’ (Played by Denise Crosby) from Star Trek. I was in love with her (Tasha, not Denise) and my heart was broken when she died. Damn you to hell Armus!As for the poster, all us Europeans carry our babies like that. The left arm is allowed to dangle free so as to act as a brake. :¬)

    • Poor Tahsa and her cute little pixie haircut. Done in by a blob of tar. Being the niece of Bing didn’t help her one bit.You Euros are a rough lot. So cruel to your offspring. Have you ever read the real fairy tales by the Brothers Grimm? Grim indeed!

  7. Both Katie and Scarls (not our beloved ginger wan with the dirty floors) are lookers, but I had to break up with the both of them when they kept texting me on a Friday night to ask me to bring in milk on the way home. For the love of god, when they get to demanding things when a man is enjoying his pint, then it’s time to part ways regardless of talent and looks.

    • YOU dumped out on Katie too! Oh, that poor thing is going to be absolutely suicidal. You should have mentioned it to me.Every time I see a couple of tough sons-o’-guns you or Map reading one of my theater posts, I feel decidedly less manly. Now, why is that? You’re not the type to judge. It must be something internal gnawing at my carefully cultivated self-image.

  8. I used to have a thing for Scarlett but then i kept hearing her speak, these days i tend to hang out at the library and ogle the girls reading books, oh and the au pairs and nannies, jay-sus, i don’t know what it is out here in the burbs but i must commend these people for finding stunning women to take care of their children.

    • Why would any wife agree to hire a hot nanny? It never ceases to amaze me and I see it all the time. If it were up to me, I’d only hire nannies who could be mistaken for longshoremen. I’ve told my bride that I will NEVER drive any babysitter home. Not because I don’t trust myself, but because in a her-word-against-mine scenario, I’d lose for sure. Off topic. Have you seen Jim Jarmusch’s Stranger Than Paradise?

  9. You’re better off without Katie, she has a couple years of unthawing to do.As for that picture of the baby, what the what? Sometimes I wonder how our species has survived so long

    • I never thought about it but I’ll bet Katie is the ice queen. Can’t say I blame her. But I’d like an opportunity to show her what it’s like to be with someone who hasn’t had their mind taken over by a sinister cult (albeit, with a lot less money). As for the bike, that was before OSHA standards were mandated.

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