Redneck alcoholic cavalcade

I impulse-purchased a recent issue of Billboard magazine. There was a cover story about Howard Stern I wanted to read. I finished the article on Stern and turned to the back to the Top 50 song listings. I got to the country charts and the following songs were included for the week ending January 25, 2014:

Drink a Beer
Drunk Last Night
Bottoms Up
Drink to That All Night
Whiskey in My Water
Cold Beer with Your Name on It
Sober
It Ain’t the Whiskey

Well done, Nashville. Way to perpetuate the drunken redneck-loser stereotype. I don’t have any idea who the artists are singing those songs but I hope they’re proud of themselves. Drinking is to country music what violence is to rap. Make a fast buck glorifying abhorrent behavior and I guess any weak-minded individuals who get hurt along the way are collateral damage. I’m just an uptight, middle-class white dude who isn’t in on the joke. And please don’t try to shame me for disparaging cultures different than my own. This is my sandbox and I’ll call bullshit whenever I see fit.

~~~~~~~~~~

In my previous post I lamented the growing use of cell phones and tablets as a distraction for children and also the preference we seem to be developing for engaging a device rather than a face-to-face interaction. I went to my kid’s basketball game again this past Saturday and saw a new low, which I didn’t think was possible:

baby computerReally, dad? The baby, too? This kid doesn’t stand a chance. Or am I making too much of it? Go on, give it to me. I can take it.

~~~~~~~~~~

We had another in a series of horrific snowstorms last week. Last Tuesday, it took me three hours and forty-five minutes to get home from the city. According to my calculations, I can fly from JFK to Turks and Caicos in that amount of time. Here’s what my car looked like when I finally got to the parking lot:

car snowIsn’t that pretty? It looks like something from a pastry shop. Good enough to lick.

Unrelenting sub-zero temps here. Crippling heat in Australia. Droughts of historical proportions in California. While driving down the Garden State Parkway the other day, I saw a snowy owl fly by. A beautiful bird with a large wingspan. (Technically, they’re raptors.) They’re indigenous to Arctic regions and have no business whatsoever being in New Jersey. Experts are at a loss to explain this anomaly.

Good thing we blasted a gigantic hole in the ozone layer. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have these interesting weather patters and broken migration routes.

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Here’s a bit of slight of hand mastery for your entertainment. Look carefully and don’t blink or you’ll miss it.

trick2Abracadabra!

Presto!

trick1Tee-hee. An oldie but a goodie. I showed my friend and he said he’d probably find it a lot funnier if he was 10-years old. Whatever.

~~~~~~~~~~

sixth avenue6th Avenue and 47th Street, Tuesday, January 7th, 8:35 p.m.

~~~~~~~~~~

Exile on Pain Street. Now with a new WordPress skin and, by popular demand, fully functional Like, Follow, Reblog and Share buttons along with comment response alerts (I hope). Still a few kinks to work out. Meeting the demands of a fussy nation since 2008.

83 thoughts on “Redneck alcoholic cavalcade

  1. “Good enough to lick.”—Ha! Loved that. You’ve given me a new perspective about the blankets of snow surrounding me here near Cleveland. It’s all about the spin, I guess.

  2. Dude, you showed up in my reader! Happy days, my man, you have arrived!

    I never say boobs when commenting, country music sucks moose ass, and guess what, the hole in the ozone layer is shrinking. Let’s see some optimism, at least until the next freak storm caused by global warming.

    • Hallelujah. I knew this day would come. It just took a bit longer than I anticipated. It always does. If you get a response alert, I think we’re in business.

      My wife listens to the local country music station. If someone isn’t drinking or drunk, they’re cheating on their spouse or nursing a broken heart. They seem to write within pretty narrow parameters. It sounds more electric/pop now, anyway.

      • Excellent. Post like it’s nobody’s business, I’m there.

        My wife likes country too. I don’t tell many people about it though. It still hurts.

  3. So what’s up with Howerd Stern these days? He’s the only radio host I’ve ever heard boast about how small his penis was. Maybe ‘boast’ isn’t quite the right word. I hope the Artic air gets pushed out soon – meteorologists say a kinky jet stream is to blame.

    • Stern’s supposed small-penis is part of his self-deprecating shtick. He plays to being picked on, first as a child by bullies and then as an adult by government censors. The truth is he a multi, multi-bizillionaire who left his wife and kids and took up with a airhead model. He makes me laugh, though.

  4. I’m sure the screens have damaged my eyes… don’t like to think what screen use does to a baby’s eyes.
    Very wet in the UK…. it snows on you and is then coming over here as rain. Is yuk.

    Sx

    • I never thought about it but that’s an astute observation. If I have a long day of looking at my computer and iPhone, by the time I go to bed my eyeballs are throbbing. I get a tremendous headache that requires three Advil. Can you imagine what’ll happen to that poor kid?

  5. that Land O Lakes thing about sums up my childhood. Two older brothers full of useful, not-so-kid friendly humor. and I so appreciate you for that. I think it made me a more well-rounded adult. Really.

    • I knew I’d get some blowback. That I’d step on some toes. Because who likes to be reduced to a stereotype?! Nobody. But it sure looks like there’s a awful lot of songs written about drinking too much. Am I badly mistaken? Feel free to correct me or put me in my place. I never delete a comment.

      • Oh there’s plenty of drinking /truck/he-done-me-wrong songs, but for every Eric Church, there’s a Kasey Musgraves. Well, maybe the ratio isn’t quite one-to-one, but there are some really good, thoughtful songwriters here. And if you want to discuss stereotypes, how about Jersey politicians? 🙂

      • Our local NJ politicians serve a very real and valuable purpose. They allow other municipalities to feel like streamlined, well-oiled machines in comparison. They make it easy for others to feel like they occupy a high moral plateau. We vote em’ into office as a sacrifice to the rest of the nation.

        Patsy Cline forever.

  6. No, you’re not making too much of it! You know why? Because this exists: http://goo.gl/5HgOsC. Yes, that is a toilet training seat with a built-in iPad holder, and it’s disgusting for more than one reason.

    Also, that combination of comparing your snow-covered van to a pastry and then – BAM! – making pin-up art out of the butter lady hit me right in my beauty/inane fun sweet spot. I’m glad you exist. And I can’t wait to go home and show J the butter trick!

    • What an evil device! My god, if you don’t want to deal with stuff like potty training, if you need to anesthetize your kid 24/7 because paying attention is just too damn hard, don’t have kids! There’s no shame in it! I hate how society guilt-trips people–especially women–if they don’t want children. It’s just as valid a lifestyle as having children. The parents who talk it down are jealous because their freedom is gone.

      That butter trick goes way, way back. My father taught it to me. I wonder who taught it to him?

  7. Nice, shiny new buttons over here. Of course, I’ve had you tucked securely in my reader since the old Blogger days. “Aint gonna let you go o o …” I think that may be from a drunken country lost love song.And yes, they do seem to sing a lot of booze-ridden stuff. (CandW is known Chez Dinahmow as shit-kickin’ music.)

    Lucky you to see that owl!

  8. i always enjoy your ‘stream of consciousness’ rant-vents. agree wholeheartedly about kids with portable babysitters. i felt bad enough letting my kids watch TV on saturdays so i could get some work done around the house… suggest that you take the country music bullshit with a grain of salt. most folks i know who truly adore country music think that stuff is vile, too…. they are longing for the days of “Hank, Sr.” and Patsy….

    The snow this year has been ok, i just can’t stand the sub-zero temps. i’m on a plane to phoenix on business at the moment (internet in flight? wheee!) and will be off on a dive trip next week. screw winter. i’m done.

    • Not to sound all pretentious and whatnot (because that’s how this is going to sound) but we have a Patsy Cline anthology on frequent rotation at home and my kids know all her stuff. We listen during dinner. Watching my 7-year old sing along with “Two Cigarettes in the Ash Tray” makes me laugh.

      Phoenix is an interesting place. Nice to visit but I wouldn’t recommend pitching your tent there. Dive pics, please.

      • agree on Patsy… and on Phoenix. at least it’s not snowing here. Forgot to mention that we did the “Land o’ Lakes” trick, too. Wondering if that’s an Ohio thing…

  9. I fear that kvetching about mobile devices puts us solidly in the old fogie category. I hate it too, but, as I said in a previous comment, I’ve learned to let go and surrender.

    There’s a standard deviation in IQ between wine and beer drinkers, just so you know :D.

    • What are we going to do!? Mobile phones are here to say, as you point out. I have to learn to live with them. But when I see someone walking down the avenue yammering into on of those Bluetooth devices I want to push them into traffic.

      I like beer and wine equally. It depends on the situation. Just not in the vast quantities that will make me want to write a song about how much I love drinkin’.

  10. Oh my gosh! I can’t focus on anything else you said because I just realized you are now on WordPress-dot-COM!!! YEs, huzzah! Hooray for being in readers and all that jazz. So cool!

  11. I’ve seen a lot of discussion about the state of country music at the moment, how it’s all about trucks and beers. Whatever happened to the good ol’ days? *grumble* *mutter* *puts on some George Strait*

  12. Oh yay, so much easier to comment on your blog now! I’m longing for snow you know. I know there are those of you who have far too much of it, but we’ve had none this winter in my corner of the UK and I love snow. I love it because we don’t get enough of it to get sick of it, so we can appreciate the prettiness without it affecting our daily routine for too long. We’ve had so much rain and flooding everywhere though and that is driving me nuts – but then I guess the Californians need some of what we’ve got right now! A big world redistribution of weather is needed. I did snigger at the butter boobs! I’m going to do it again *snigger*.

    • I am relieved to finally have this bloody migration over with. I’m still missing a ton of photos on earlier posts but I’ll relink them sooner or later. I feel like part of a greater community now instead of the orphaned step-child.

      It snowed again yesterday and I took some spiffy pics in Central Park, which I will put in my next post. Wait ’til you see them! The snow-covered park is beautiful!

  13. Babies with ipads and raptors in new Jersey. The world’s gone bonkers and I’m not sure I like it. However, I love the butter packet trick. So call me 10, I don’t care.

  14. We have floods on biblical proportions currently here in the UK. The Somerset Levels have been underwater since Christmas. More rain and high winds today – the coasts are battered to pieces in places with now the main Cornish railway line washed away in last night pounding so that there are no trains running West of Exeter at all.

    According to some elected (note that, people voted for this guy) councillor for the ever mild mannered UK Independence Party he claims this is all the wrath of God because we are allowing homosexuals to marry. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-oxfordshire-25793358 Where are those drunken red necks on that debate do you think?

    • I’d rather my daughter take up with a drunken redneck than a politician who twists the bible to justify his own insane bigotry. At least rednecks have a beating heart in their chests instead of a stone. It all seems so simple to me. Two people love one another and want to marry. Why is that such a threat? I have to say that, starting with my own family, heterosexuals haven’t been such good caretakers of the institution of marriage. I’ve got some gay friends who can give lessons on relationship longevity.

      Another winter storm rages outside as I type these words. I made it into the city but New Jersey is in a state of emergency. There’s a classic nor’easter coming this weekend. When will it end? Will it?

      • Your Winter storm today is our weekend wind and further deluge of rain 😦
        I look forward to you reporting sunshine!
        At this rate you’ll be taking in refugees from the UK.
        Sx

      • No need to thank us. Were you thanking us?

        Last night I went to hear Roddy Doyle read from his new novel and get a signed copy. He told everyone about the cold, wet Irish winter and how absolutely delighted he is to see so much snow. Wait until he tries to fly home. See how much he likes it then.

      • Only when we listen to sane minded politicians with a well read but misinterpreted religious text in their hands… 😉 (Note to people reading this, I’m English, this is called irony bordering on sarcasm… ok)

      • I’ve been inundated with vitriolic hate mail before only to re-read my comment and think… “They didn’t spot the subtly of my humour there did they”…

      • I’ve been inundated with vitriolic hate mail, gone back to reread the post and realize they have a point! What sounds crystal clear to you might read differently to someone else. You have to be careful with your phraseology. Or provide a caveat.

  15. I know the UK is just a small insignificant island but you do realise we are slowly sinking into the ooze don’t you?
    I stared endlessly at the top butter pic and was so relieved when I scrolled down and saw the point. Points.

    • I don’t find the UK to be small and insignificant at all! Is that a witty sarcasm? I’m a big Anglophile and should’ve been born there. But I’m sorry about the ooze.

      The butter pic is a bit of Benny Hill humor.

  16. Actually, no, you wouldn’t have gone from JFK to anywhere in that. Except maybe a cheap airport hotel.

    Fortunately, we were still in downtown Ottawa when our flight from Canada to NYC was cancelled.
    Because of snow.
    In NYC.

    What the hell???

    • Okay, I’m speaking in metaphor. How do you like those cookies? I can go ANYWHERE under those circumstances.

      Why Ottawa? I checked Google maps and that’s north of here. Go SOUTH next time and you’ll pray for delays.

  17. Usually, people censor stuff out to make it PG-rated, but that butter picture proves that you could cut something out to create just the opposite effect.
    P.S. Now that you’re back on WP.com, I want to ask you this – is there any benefit to being self-hosted vs. WP.com? Or does it only make sense if you want to to some more technically complex stuff that standard WP doesn’t provide?

    • As far as I can tell, the advantage of a self-hosted WP.org sit is that it’s highly customizable. So you are correct that it’s better if you’ve got a serious interest in back-end coding and personalization. Also, if you want to turn blogging into a business it makes it easier to monetize your site without WordPress putting their hand in your pocket to take a bit. But I felt detached form the WP community. Following is complicated and WP will never Fresh Press a self-hosted site. (Not that I think I’ll ever be FPed, but a guy can dream, can’t he? And the option simply doesn’t exist if you’re self hosted.) It wasn’t for me. The reasons I went self-hosted are too long and boring to outline here.

      • Thank you for clarifying. Since I don’t plan on doing any business with my blog, and I haven’t even learned half the gadgets in the WP, then I guess there’s really no reason for me to consider self-hosting.

      • Thank you for clarifying. Since I don’t plan on doing any business with my blog, and I haven’t even learned half the gadgets in the WP, then I guess there’s really no reason for me to consider self-hosting.

  18. Spent a Christmas in Torronto in my early 20s, I’d never seen snow before…made a snow ball, threw it and promptly went back inside and booked a week in Miami. Fuck that! How the hell are you supposed to get anything done?

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