Move to Beautiful Soho

Look at this gorgeous condo for sale on Sullivan Street in the heart of Soho. You enter your shower through the living room.

And how about this cozy bedroom?

Yours for only:

My favorite feature is the rotting wood in front of the shower. Didn’t the previous tenant put a bath mat down?

6’6 x 13’2 is the size of a roomy coffin. This listing blew my mind and I wanted to share it with you. I try not to be judgmental but only a fool would spend almost a half million on this dump.

~~~~~~~~~~

I hurt my Achilles tendon running. It’s my own fault. My shoes were old. A physical therapist poked and prodded and gave me a series of stretches and exercises to perform. One of them involved a leg press machine at my gym. I did it wrong and wrenched a muscle in my back.

My Achilles is okay but I’m back at a physical therapist for my back. I went to a different PT because I’m too embarrassed to visit the same guy who fixed my Achilles. The pain has migrated from my lower back down into my gluteus maximus. Not so great if you sit your ass all day, as I do.

This all happened because I was trying to stay healthy. I know people who never move a muscle. Their Achilles and assess are fine. I’m a bit of a dope.

~~~~~~~~~~

This piece was mesmerizing. I must’ve walked a dozen laps around that pedestal, taking in every angle.

Constantin Brancusi
La muse endormie
Painted bronze with gold leaf
Est: $25,000,000-35,000,000
Sold for $57,367,500

I said goodbye knowing I’d never see her again.

~~~~~~~~~~

bins

April 30, 1993

I have $8.98 in my savings account. I poured what little money I had into that stupid medical mutual fund and it’s tanking. I was inspired by an article in The Economist titled, “Hide From Risk and you Hide From Reward.” What little fool I am.

I took Laura to a dance performance at the Joyce Theater. I am falling hard. She’s a natural beauty. She wore a lacy, black top and caught me starring at her breasts. I was embarrassed. But should I be? Don’t girls expect that sort of thing when they dress provocatively? She has taken to calling me pet names like ‘hon’ and ‘dear.’ They go right through my heart like a blazing hot ice pick.

Man, I love dating actresses. They talk a good game. Typically, I have to do all the heavy lifting. The extent of Margaret’s scintillating conversation is limited to, ‘So, what’s up.’ I don’t think she ever gets an original thought in that pretty, racist, red head of hers. If she does, she’s incapable of articulating it. Laura can talk the talk.

We had a few drinks after the show. I was looking forward to a drunken backseat taxi make-out session but the driver had such powerful and overwhelming B.O. that it killed the mood. When she got out of the cab she held her nose and pointed to the driver. I said out loud, “Oh. I thought it was you.” She laughed. Boy, can that girl smoke. One after another. It’s worrisome.

I was on the M15 stopped at a traffic light next to a white delivery van that was caked with black soot. It was the filthiest car I’ve ever seen. Someone had written in the filth, “SCIENTIFIC TEST DIRT. DO NOT REMOVE” and “LICK MY BALLS.” I laughed and everyone on the bus turned to look at me.

~~~~~~~~~~

My daughter took these. She’s just a kid. I can’t tell you how proud I am.

70 thoughts on “Move to Beautiful Soho

  1. Good lord! Am I the first?
    I love that muse.I want to touch it,it looks so tactile.
    And your daughter has a very good eye.
    That shoe box apartment? Nope.Not for that money.

    • Yes! You are first! It’s probably because I don’t think I’ve ever posted at this hour before. I could rejigger my post schedule if it pleases you.

      I wanted to touch it, too. Rub its smoothness with my open palm. But there were security guards everywhere and I wanted to see the rest of the art.

      The thing about that crap apartment is that it’s on Sullivan St.

    • Thanks for the advice and for the kind words about my daughter. I don’t want to be one of those parents who gush about their kids–bumper stickers about having an honors student and other nonsense–so I’d better be careful. It’s a slippery slope.

  2. Ugh, that place is horrible. It’s not even so much the size but the rotting wood and the cheap looking shelves and cabinets. It’s a tiny place, but it could be made to look much nicer. I love that they call it 2 1/2 rooms. Makes living 30 miles from Cleveland not look so bad.

    Your daughter’s photos are gorgeous!

    • Do you know what? Someone will buy it. I don’t think the seller will get their asking price but it’ll sell. All for the sake of living in Manhattan. It’s too high a price.

      Thank you! I think so as well.

  3. Hey, that dump will be worth 800K is 10 years. Remember how you used to live in some ratty and drug and crime infested neighborhood that gentrified and now has sky-high rents?

    • That’s a good point. It will increase in value. And moving into that drug infested viper’s nest seem like a terrible idea at the time but it worked out pretty well. I will send you the real estate listing. Be my guest.

      • I already bought a house last year so I’m off the market for quite some time. Besides, even that dump would already have been out of my price range.

  4. You should rename your blog “Calling Dr. Schadenfreude” or something. Scratch that. Your blog name is perfect.
    The non-exercisers may seem to have it pretty sweet, but we are just one awkward move away from a wrenched muscle. I nearly put out my back last night doing a trust fall into someone’s arms.

    • A friend of mine invented the name of my blog. I don’t want to take credit if it’s not due. I originally belong under The Unbearable Banishment but found it too complicated, long and hard to remember.

      Part of my healing process is coming to terms with the fact that my body just won’t do what it used to do. I’m getting old. I’ve got a birthday a week away and it’s killing me.

  5. The Soho house/apartment is ugly and outrageous. Only a fool would plunk down that kind of money just to say they live in such and such area of NYC.

    That art piece is the most unique and prettiest that you have shown on your blog . I loved it.

    And your daughter has an eye for beauty. The photo is very good. Hope to see more of her photography.

    • I didn’t even consider the aesthetics of that condo but you’re right. It’s plug ugly. I was focused on the value but it’s as ugly as it is overpriced. NYC isn’t THAT special.

      Nobody has commented on the price of that sculpture. Yes, it’s beautiful, but $57M??!! Isn’t that hard to take?

      I think my daughter signed up for a photography class next year. Hope so.

  6. You should have said something when she caught you staring at her boobs. An apology followed by a compliment. But the B.O. crack was good – very Anglo-Saxon. Your daughter has a great eye for the beauty of water droplets – is she a scientist or an artist? It’s not at all funny that your butt hurts – I hope no one is smirking about that.

    • If it were a Hollywood movie I would’ve thought of something clever and pithy to say when I was caught staring at her cleavage but it was real life so all I could do was fumfer an apology. It was her fault for teasing me.

      My ass is still throbbing. Even as I type this line I’m wondering how much longer it’s going to go on. It wakes me up at night.

  7. Nice flat. About the same size and price in Soho, London. Insanity. Still, way cheaper than some of the questionable art prices posted on here.

    I like that piece too. Compelling.

    Can you see my boobs from there?

    Everyone looks at the top shelf. So long as you don’t touch anything you may browse.

    Ah, the vulnerability of the Achilles heel. Apparently, we wear out quicker if we exercise. Stay on your arse.

    Wow. Your kid has skillz.

    • Do you know what I wish? I wish I had flats in both Sohos. One in London and one in NYC. I couldn’t think of a more perfect life for myself. If I could’ve written how everything turned out, I’d take flats in each city and Laura, the girl mentioned in this post. She meant a lot to me.

      So it’s okay to stare? Is that what you’re saying? You’re used to it, I suppose.

  8. New York RE, like San Fran or London, is so off the scale. It doesn’t compute. It’s got to collapse…if all the money is being consolidated by the 1%, how are thousands of places like this still fetching the dollars they are? Is this really a post about how capitalism is actually just moving the debt around and we’re all slaves?

    • You’re an architect. What could you possibly do with that space to make it habitable? Anything? It’s a prison cell. The problem is the intense concentration of wealth in this city (along with London, San Fran, et. al.). There are so many wealthy folks here that they can as for, and get, these prices. It’s a fool’s paradise.

      • Well I could show you if you could tell me how to post a photo here. Stack all the services along the wall with the shower and toilet. Shift the toilet down to right beside the front door and in the space left over near the window relocate the kitchenette. That frees up the whole space from door to windows for living. You could even remove the wall between the living and bedroom if you wanted to make it a bit more efficient. For this little real estate, dedicating an entire room to the bed is too much.

  9. Yep, it’s the same in London. A tiny rat-infested damp hovel can be yours for just £300,000!! BARGAIN! It’s unbelievable.
    More importantly, those photos your daughter took are amazing. Hey, you could blow them up and put them on the wall of your coffin-sized studio apartment, and hey presto! A cosy home!

    • Hi Becky. Long time no nothin’. Nice to see you. It might be rat-infested, but it’s on LONDON. You can pay less and live in Detroit if you wish.

      You’ve given me an idea. I’ll seek gallery representation for my daughter. Put that kid to WORK.

    • I’d like to pass along your kind words to my daughter but then she’d want to know where you saw her photos and I’d have to tell her about this blog and I definitely DON’T want to do that.

      These entries abort Laura are causing me some distress. These are there things I want behind me. Not in the store window where everybody can see them.

  10. 480K for THAT???? SWEETMARYSUNSHINE! I can’t. I just can’t.
    WTF is happening to/with human beings? I can’t. I just can’t.

    BUT… then there’s your daughter and her eye. SHE gives me hope. Find a way to let her know Auntie Savannah is grateful for her. xoxoxo

    • It’s crazy, right? That’s why I put it in a blog post. To share the outrage. Even if I had the money I’d feel stupid doing it.

      I know I’m the dad and all, but I think they’re really good shots.

  11. My middle daughter and her partner rent a tiny, tiny apartment in Dublin. It’s in a beautiful Victorian square, but it’s one of ten apartments in what was once a family home. Their monthly rent is double my monthly mortgage repayments. Such is the price of living in the capital. But they are both young, well payed, and just consider this part of the journey. It’s all perspective innit?

    Hope you, your bride, and your lovely girl are well. I pop in every now and then to keep an eye on ye.

    • Well, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes? Ironically (or would this be coincidentally?) I just came from an evening at an Irish pub. I had a Guinness!

      Living in cramped quarters is a young person’s game. I did it when I was in my 20s and didn’t give a whit. But no young person I know can cough up half $1 million for a condo. And no adult should lower themselves to living like this.

      • Oh, only an American would have ‘a’ Guinness! My local calls last orders at midnight, and when the non-regulars leave he closes the door and we regulars start the serious drinking.
        There is an empty barstool awaiting your arse sir.

  12. The piece of Art reminds me of a pod from the movie COCOON or another space alien movie. But the selling price, amazing. Wouldn’t that have to be a conglomerate to make a purchase like that? Your daughter’s pic has to be worth 10K with the right representation.
    How’s that medical mutual fund doing now?
    Dating an actress, enjoy the ride while it lasts!
    Happy Birthday!

    • It was beautiful to behold but, my GOD, $57M is an insane amount of money. Just insane. Where’s the valuation? It’s not like a parcel of land that’s useful. That artist can fall out of favor with there next generation.

      I don’t think that mutual funds exists anymore. I am a great killer of plants and mutual funds. A black thumb.

      Birthday in one week. I don’t want to think about it.

  13. I can think of a lot of other things to spend $480,000 on – if I had that much and probably be able to buy an entire house plus still travel all over the place. So much fo Soho.

    • That’s just not good value for your half mil. And it’s not like you step out your door in Soho and you’re on a beach or see palm trees swaying overhead. It’s a pretty cramped, old neighborhood. It’s got old world charm but not to the tune of living in that storage locker for $480K

    • Not mysterious at all! It’s the laws of supply and demand. A whole bunch of rich people want to live in NYC and there’s only so many apartments to go around. You’re in real estate. It must be true down in TX as well?

      Oh, and welcome. Nice of you to pop in and comment. Much obliged.

  14. I know i’m in the minority but i’ve never been a fan of NYC, the old nice to place to visit but i wouldn’t want to live there, that listing just proves that point and my few trips there did the same, dig the bookstores and the pizza but not much else… and that bedroom, i could just barely fit horizontally, less than 2 inches to spare, wonder if it’s been sold yet? Actresses and Actors, they get on my nerves and like Mr. Gump that’s all i have to say about that…

    The real gem of this post is the photos by your daughter, those are brilliant no matter what age, you should be proud old man!! in the last month the boyos turned 8 and 11, it goes too fast doesn’t it? two more years and i’ll be the biggest dumbass on the planet lol!!

    • I don’t think you’re in the minority at all. I think New York isn’t for MOST people. It’s a lot of fun but it’s also kind of a dump. Noisy, dirty, expensive and crowded. In fact, I think in order to live there you have to be somewhat mentally ill. I’m sure this comes as a big shock but when it comes to attitudes about NYC, you’re more normal than you think. Don’t mean to spoil your outsider cred.

      Knowing you’ll be perceived as a dumb-ass makes you pretty astute, actually. It’s the people who don’t see it coming who have a certain lack of perspective.

      *Posting from Bagley Rd.

      • I think my view of NYC is skewed because back in the old day, meaning the 90’s, lol every artist or musician i knew was hung up on moving to NYC, i used to laugh and tell them it’s cheaper in the Rust Belt and you can still play shows in NYC but it was placed on this shiny pedestal so of course i’d have to despise it, and that’s the funny part, it’s not the city itself that irks me it’s the cost of living in the city…

        And just the other day my old man and i were talking about Jack Frost Donuts and oddly enough this guy i met at the recent futbol tryouts (for our kids) grew up in Brooklyn (ohio) and we were talking about the old head shops, the Mercury movie theater, all kinds of things that had me missing my old stomping grounds… not the least of which was Brookpark Road…

  15. I love Brancusi, he is probably my favourite sculptor of all time, his work is sinuous. We saw one of his ‘Birds’ in Venice (Peggy Guggenheim’s pad) and I couldn’t keep away from it.

    Your daughter has an eye I’d say: not so surprising given her father.

    • It was a beautiful piece. Too bad it’s hidden from sight, probably never to be seen in public again.

      I tell my daughter the key to good photos is to take a LOT of them. If you take two dozen photos, one or two is bound to be good. It’s the law of averages. It was tougher when all we had was film. There were only 32 shots. You had to make them count. And then the long wait to see the results! Forget about it!

  16. I’m obsessed with the tiny house movement, but as a travel trailer, not as a place to live. Half a million smackers for rotting wood???? That kind of money around here in the fly-over zone would buy a castle with a moat on a hill, along with all the serfs you can see from the ramparts.

    That is impressive camera work – kid or adult.

    • The Muse is mesmerizing. The practical in me is hoping she was glued down to the pedestal – looks like if you joggled her she’d roll off and be the world’s costliest Humpty Dumpty.

  17. We were just in Soho on the way back from a long trip. Love that area of NYC. Hated what Times Square has become. Yep. It looks like you might want to save your money, especially when dating actresses…

    • I love that neighborhood, too. LOTS of folks do, which is why they can command these preposterous prices for real estate. Supply and demand. As for Times Square, I get that you don’t like the sanitized version. But I remember the old school version and do you know what? This is better. Walking down a 42nd Street that was wall to wall porn theaters and populated with pimps, whores and junkies might have a dark literary panache, but it was no fun to live in. It was genuinely frightening. This is better. It’s not great, but it’s better.

      • Nah…..it’s all about ME! Plus, I couldn’t even afford the house I was born in… nor my first house… nor….. The list of my lost potential is pretty long actually, so I’ll shut up now 🙂
        Sx

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