Water everywhere but not a drop to drink


May 16, 1991

Laura’s sister visited from Cleveland. The two of them are fresh, Midwest, corn-fed beauties. I’d like to take both of them and…never mind. Laura has never had a cavity. Sometimes, after we’ve had a few drinks, I make her open her mouth and show me her pearly perfection.

Blue Man Group opened a show last month in some dingy space across from The Public. I saw them open for Annie Sprinkle’s Post Porn Modernist at the Cleveland Performance Art Festival last year. I thought the girlies would have fun but they hated it, thought it was strange and said the show won’t last through the summer.

Beforehand we had dinner at Lucky Strike. The waitress clearly thought Laura and I were a couple and Laura played like we were. She was wearing a low-cut, skin-tight top and bent over low when reciting the specials. Then she gave me a secret wink. The two of them thought it was hilarious but I wasn’t amused. This shit only happens to me when I’m with a girl. Girls like to steal boyfriends. It’s a fact! If Klinger had been with me she’d have looked right through me. She was delightful. A little chicken lost in New York.

Over appetizers, Laura said Lynn had to see a doctor because of a bladder infection from too much sex. In the same conversation she complained of not having enough sex. Lynn is the beautiful cheerleader in high school that everyone wanted but no one could have. Her perfect, soft face belongs on the bow of a ship. This oversexed work of art, complaining about being undersexed.

One evening the three of us went to El Teddy’s. Lynn took my arm while crossing West Broadway and I felt a sudden surge of lust. She likes me well enough, as does Laura, but they have expensive needs. You have to know your lane. Jessica was asked out by a junior investment banker at work. Her boyfriend is a personal trainer and Chippendales dancer. A massive brick wall of a man who could take that banker’s head in the crook of his arm and crack it like a walnut. The sight of that white shirt and tie trying to stir desire in Jessica was kind of sweet and sad.

I entered a contest to win a trip to The Mirage in Las Vegas. It’s a tie-in for some dumb Billy Crystal movie. City Slickers. I have no idea what it’s about nor do I care. I do, however, want to stay at the Mirage for free. It’s only two years old and I love new hotels.


I took my daughter and her pal to see Richard Serra’s big oxidized walls at the Gagosian Gallery last October. Happier times.


My poor city. I don’t want to get all Oprah on you guys but my heart is broken.

26 thoughts on “Water everywhere but not a drop to drink

    • I did NOT win that contest but years later my wife and I won a trip to the Paris Hotel in Vegas from the film, “Catch me if you Can” with Tom Hanks. They threw in a set of luggage, spa treatments and some meals, too. It was a thrill.

  1. Thank you for the read and pics.
    My wife saw the Blue Man Group at the Venetian while I played poker. She didn’t enjoy it.
    Mirage was the best place on the Strip when it first opened. The Volcano was over hyped.
    I always feel sorry for those beautiful cheerleaders who don’t get enough sex.
    The Wall is huge. I don’t get it, but it does look unique.

    • I didn’t mind Blue Man Group but I gave no thought as to whether the show would last through the summer. Look what happened! An entire industry came from it. I like the Cosmopolitan. Only hotel in Vegas with balconies.

  2. When you guys have so much to lose, I imagine the loss is just that much more profound. What did I lose. Going to the park, the coffee shop, a tiny art shop in the uptown mall… but they were my dingy things! You stay well out there, Mark. This’ll pass. Great to see and feel your writing again.

    • Like you, I’m one of the lucky ones. My family and I are healthy. My yearnings are all superficial. I’ve got friends in the city who are really up against the wall. I fell for those people. NYC is on its knees.

      • Stay well down there. If I were a religious person, I’d offer a prayer, but even if I were religious, it wouldn’t do any damn good. So I’ll send good vibes into the world.

  3. I’m with Trent. We’re well into the “dealing with it” phase here in my small corner, having whizzed right past fear and panic. I can’t imagine what being in New York must be like right now.

    • I’ve no real fear of getting sick. Even if I get it, I have such a Messiah complex that I don’t think I’ll get seriously ill. I *am* worried about economics. That can really lay me to waste with little provocation.

  4. It’s going to take so much for our hearts and minds and souls to bounce back from this, Mark. I’m 200 miles from the heart of the apple, but hanging on Cuomo’s every word, every day. My sister is a nurse at Nassau County’s busiest hospital … Enough said. May you, your wife and two daughters be safe and well.

    • I hope you’re sister is well. She should receive hazardous duty pay and I’m not joking about that. I always thought Cuomo could be a little ham fisted, even though I agreed with him a lot. But he’s the right guy for the job right now. His news conferences are a balm, unlike…well, let’s just leave it at that.

      • Yes, our medical workers are doing so much right now, Mark, I agree with you there. My sis is OK so far, knock on wood. Yeah, compare the two speakers, and, yes, we know.

  5. I was thinking about you the other day; you and your daughters and your fascinating forays into the New York art scene, and I was hoping you were doing OK. Can’t imagine what you all are going through. Stay safe.

  6. Just blowing the dust off of the blog and happy to see that you’d posted while i’ve been hunkered down, eating my weight in carbs, and drinking as though my liver is the enemy. Not terrible here. We are hiking a lot – over 60 miles locally just in the month of May. Which is why i haven’t ballooneed to manatee scale…yet. NYC will recover from the pandemic, and as always emerge stronger. Same with the racial justice protests. NYC is like that. The more it gets chewed up, the toughter it gets. There’s a meat analogy in there somewhere, but i’m not drinking tonight… and it will be left as an exercise for the blogger! 🙂

  7. So glad to find you and your family are safe. It’s a hell of a time but we’ve had worse and this too will pass. Take care.

  8. Somebody once said “I don’t like the silences!” Neither do I. Where are you? If you are busy just wave. I hope you can still go to the theatre. We can’t in spite of the pleading of Lord Lloyd Webber to our bunch of philistines also known as the Government. It’s not football you see.
    Best wishes to you and the family and take care – there aren’t many of us left.


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