2-Year Old Daughter stuck a small bead in her ear. When they brought her to the emergency room, the attending physician who tried to pluck it out only succeeded in pushing it deeper into her ear canal. He pushed it so far in that it’s now lodged against her eardrum. On Wednesday morning, they’re going to put her under general anesthesia and surgically remove it. What a dickhead! What about his Hippocratic Oath? Perhaps I’ll get litigious on his ass. Or perhaps I’ll just kick his teeth in.

* * *

My cell phone jammer broke a little bit, so I opened it to try and fix it and I broke the damn thing permanently. What did I expect for $38? Longevity? I used it every day so it was only a matter of time. I feel like I’ve been stripped of my superpower. Of course I immediately ordered a replacement which is already speeding its way from Hong Kong across the Seven Seas. I’m not sure what to do in the interim if someones cell phone chatter starts to work my nerves. I might fill a sock with gravel and carry it in my travel bag. While not as elegant as an electronic jamming device, it’s just as effective.

* * *

The European tourists in Manhattan have very, very peculiar tastes in eyeglass frames. They all look like they’re trying to protect their retinas from space rays.

* * *

I got off the subway at the 42nd St. this morning and spotted a very hot girl standing in the middle of the platform. She pulled a deodorant stick out of her purse and slather some under each armpit. Hot AND doesn’t reek of B.O.! What more could a man want?

* * *

I had another meditation class last night. What bliss! Those Buddhists really know how to embrace quiet. We are, all of us, filled with delusions. But you already knew that, didn’t you? Before class, I traded up from last week’s Big Mac and instead ate outside at Pershing Square. I had a buttery delicious lobster roll. It was 3x the price of a Big Mac but without the horrifying stench and after-bloat.

3 thoughts on “Bits

  1. must…. get… cell… phone… jammer… [pant, pant, pant]joy of joy! airports will no longer be the ninth level of hell – but a playground of justice!hope the li’l critter is ok… you should stick a bead in the doctors ear. and try to remove it with an ice pick (oooh – did i say that outloud?)

  2. re: the girl with deoderant,this is a particular dilemma of mine. If I’ve got deoderant in my bag, and am getting a bit hot on the old underground train…do I whip out the deoderant and let everyone know I DID smell, or just leave it be and not draw attention to the fact that it’s me who smells?

  3. DF: I know how desperate I must sound, but the the world is a much better place when I control the cell phone frequencies. And, thank you, daughter came through glassy-eyed but fine.Please Don’t: You should ABSOLUTELY apply any and all hygine products when necessary, no matter the venue.

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