Category Archives: The Jammer Chronicles

Professional wrestling/theater mash-up

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149806In honor of tonight’s Tony Awards, I’ll do a theater post, although this play is very, very far removed from what’s being shown tonight.

The Elaborate Entrance of Chad Deity is a hard title to remember but, Jason, I’m afraid I’m going to have to insist that you beg, borrow or steal a ticket to this show. It’s a look at professional wrestling. The stage consists of a wrestling ring and you are treated to a match or two. It’s a satire on how wrestling is a crash of economics, race, ego and ambition.

It’s a comedy and I laughed my ass of from opening until final curtain. A great piece of theater. And don’t just take my word for it. The play was a finalist for this year’s Pulitzer Prize and lots of folks, myself included, think that the only reason it didn’t win was because it was still playing in Chicago when the prize was awarded. New York theater is unfairly favored. It’s a fact!

Regarding the fakery and predetermined outcomes of wrestling, a very good point is made. It is, after all is said and done, a performance piece. Aside from the content, is it any different than seeing Hamlet and knowing exactly how it’s going to end? Not so much.

The last time I saw a wrestling play was Teaneck Tanzi: The Venus Fly Trap (1983) starring Andy Kaufman and Debbie Harry. Kaufman played the ring referee. Harry played Tanzi, who had a special deadly hold: The Venus Fly Trap. For real.

* * *

Here’s a fun article from The Wall Street Journal about a self-described Manners Enforcer. He’s a dapper, bow tie-wearing gentleman in his 60s whose mission in life is to get folks to behave in a more civilized manner when in public. His weapon of choice? The cell phone jammer, of course! Here’s the photo from the article. It’s the exact same model I employ! We are brothers in the same war.

Additionally, here’s a card that was posted to PostSecret today.

STFup

I’m hoping an army of us arises to take back our peace quiet. Simply put, people who abuse their cell phones in public are assholes and deserve to have their service cut off. Sometimes I think that cell phones are a greater threat to Western civilization that Al Qaeda.

Happiness is a warm cell phone jammer

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[In a loud voice:] Stop tellin’ me how to live my life ma! I’m 37 years old!…zzzap…No, I ain’t hangin’ up on ya, ma! It’s the recep–…zzzap…I SWEAR I ain’t hangin’ up on ya! Quit yellin’. Don‘t talk to me like tha–…zzzap…It ain’t ME. No, YOU shaddup! It’s this gaddamn CELL PHONE!…zzzap

Happiness is a warm cell phone jammer.
Bang, bang. Shoot, shoot.

* * *

Here’s my favorite recent key phrase search hit on my blog:

can i collect unemployment if my job is unbearable?

Yes, I suppose I could qualify as an authority on that. Other, more disturbing search hits include:

disney princess sexy
disney princesses sexuality
hottest disney princess
princesses disney hot image
sexy Disney princess – costumes

and

banished, I have been banished

Me, too, brother.

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Over a two-decade period in New York, I’ve probably visited hundreds of pizza parlors and have eaten thousands of slices in many different variations. But I’ve never come across this beauty. It’s a breakfast slice! Bacon, fried egg, green and red pepper, onion, tomato and black olives.

egg

Cold pizza in the morning was a staple of my diet during my bachelor days, but this is carrying things a bit too far. I didn’t try a slice but now I kind of wish I had.

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From the New York Times:

A 12-Hour Play, and Endless Bragging Rights

“The Demons,” a 12-hour production of a grim Dostoevsky novel that will be performed only twice, may be the must-see show of the New York theater season.

I disagree in the strongest of terms. I love a good dramatic production, but I’d rather sit through a Green Acres/Petticoat Junction marathon than a 12-hour (“grim”) Dostoevsky play. Seriously, what are they thinking? And who would subject themselves to it just to be able to brag to their friends that they did, as the article insinuated? There are people out here who would do just that! The Times is showing its pretentious jerk-off side. Again.

Cell phone interruptus

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No, I’m on the train right now. Did you see the weather report for the pageant? I need to be careful! I don’t want to be a sunburned beauty queen!

ZAP.

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

Hello? I don’t know it just went dead. I’ll DIE if I can’t use my ph…

ZAP.

Hello? HELLO?!

She had an iPhone. The service for AT&T is so lousy that they live on the threshold of dropping a call normally. It doesn’t take much to push them over the edge. It’s so easy that it takes all the sport out of it. It’s like tripping an old lady who’s using a walker.

using my cell phone jammer knowledge for good instead of evil

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This gem is from the New York Times:

South Carolina petitioned the Federal Communications Commission on Monday to protect the public safety by blocking signals from contraband cellphones emanating from prisons.

Of course, the scumbag lobbyists jumped into the fray with this line of nonsense:

Lobbyists for telecommunication companies say that any weakening of antijamming legislation could become a slippery slope that eventually could inappropriately limit cellphone use.

Why can’t they just come right out and say they’re worried that the industry’s revenue stream will be compromised? What is “inappropriate?” Washington lobbyists occupy the same rung on the moral ladder as old men who expose themselves on the subway.

Do you suppose I can get a paying gig as a jamming consultant/expert. I’ve got plenty of field knowledge that I would happily share.

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In the gym locker room this morning I saw a man hold a hair dryer over his shoulder and dry his back hair.

I wretched.

more cell phone jammer mischief

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The guy sitting behind me on my train called his bookie and was placing bets on tonight’s baseball games. Loud and clear for all to hear! I’m not making this up! $200 on the Red Sox. $150 on the White Sox.

And that’s as far as he got. I gave him the juice.

I’ve seen people get angry over the inability to make a call but this guy exhibited a deep, primal rage you don’t see in public very often. He was desperate to get these bets in—it was 6:55 and the games start at 7:05—but try as he might he couldn’t get through to his bookie. I pictured one of Tony Soprano’s Jersey goombahs on the other end.

He was furious. It was the first time I worried about retribution. Guys with that kind of deep commitment to gambling seem to have a very low threshold for anger. Have you noticed?

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I have become a Zen master gunslinger with my cell phone jammer. I was toying with my prey du jour—yet another yappy sorority chippy—and I needed to send a quick text message. I held my jammer in my left hand underneath a paperback of Truman Capote short stories. My index finger rested gently on the power switch. Economy of movement is key. In my right hand, I tapped out a text message. Then, with one fluid motion, I clicked off the jammer with my left hand and opened a brief window in the cell phone frequencies, hit the send button on the phone in my right hand and quickly activated my jammer again after my message went through. The entire sequence took a matter of seconds.

It’s a shame it’s not an Olympic event.

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Are you watching True Blood? It’s fantastic! It’s got everything! Graphic sex, well-crafted scripts and story lines, hot sex, superb acting (with some fine American accents being faked), lust! lust! lust!, vampires and gore galore and some pretty raw sex scenes. Plus, best of all, the villains are a bunch of right wing religious nuts. They’re the REAL blood suckers!