Excuse me, sir, does your dog bite?

Our 10-month old puppy has taken leave of her senses and decided to attack me on two occasions. It’s always for a specific reason; she gets angry when I take something away that she’s trying to eat.

She seems perfectly normal and happy. She’s great around the kids. But she snapped. While I was walking her, she gobbled up a big wad of saran warp. I had to pry her mouth open to extract it. She snarled and bit me hard enough to draw blood.

wrist-1

The second time she was eating feces, which she once shunned but has now acquired a taste for. She bit me when I picked her up, the little bitch. This time I got a nice bruise. A few days before that, we gave her a steak bone. What a treat! She snarled at anyone who walked anywhere near her.

wrist-2

We’ve taken her to training classes but now we’re looking into a private trainer who’ll come to the house. My Lower East Side credibility has officially evaporated.

There are some manly men out here who think I should have given her a good, swift, kick in the ribs, but I keep reading that you shouldn’t hit your dog and thus far, I’ve resisted. But if she ever bites one of the girls or Mrs. Wife the way she’s bitten me, I won’t bother with the humane society. I’ll throw her in a sack and toss it in the Shrewsbury River and watch it float out to the Atlantic. For real.

* * *

I don’t do food posts (except for stuff I slap on the grill). I have absolutely no appreciation for “good” food and I’m sure it would show in the writing. But take a look at this and please refrain from licking your monitor:

pasta

This is (was) a delightful plate of lobster ravioli with mushrooms, tomatoes and other stuff in a cream sauce. Perhaps I should reconsider my indifference towards food. The pasta is black and white. The black is made from squid’s ink, is that correct? We took the girls to a nice restaurant, which we don’t do often because they’re still kind of young and it’s a luxury item for us.

Our table overlooked the Sandy Hook inlet. Do you know what? To hell with the Lower East Side. Who needs it.

table
* * *

9/11 is our wedding anniversary. Fuck you, terrorists. You’re not going to take it away from us. 13 solid years. 15 if you count dating. A lot of people don’t make it this far. It was easy! Happy anniversary, dear.

24 thoughts on “Excuse me, sir, does your dog bite?

  1. Maybe you should ask that Cesar Millan guy for advice – if he can tame Eric Cartman, your bitch should be a piece of cake. I wonder if any couples got married on 9/11 after 2001? You and your missus could be the last of a dying breed.

  2. Actually, Mr. Bananas has a good suggestion. Cesar Millan (aka the Dog Whisperer) specializes in changing dominant dogs (which is what your dog is because she will not let you touch what she sees as hers and hers alone) into subordinate dogs.He’s got dvds out there that are good, books, info on his website, and lots of shows that demonstrate how to change your dog’s behaviour.No, you don’t want to hit her, but you have to know how to put her in her place so she will not see anything she “eats” so possessively. A biting dog is a real problem and it could be a serious injury in the future.Congratulations on your 13th anniversary. I’ll bet there are lots of folks celebrating along with you. No need to let one event (albeit a big one) throw a shadow on your special day!!

  3. She’s a dog. She’s not evil – it’s natural for her and other dogs, even the most docile ones, to snap if you take food from their mouths. If she keeps doing it, she needs more training, and you need to work out a better system for getting her away from things she shouldn’t be eating before your daughters start doing the same thing. Chucking her in a sack and drowning her might be a joke but it’s not terribly funny.On less of a sour note, congratulations on your anniversary, I hope it’s wonderful.

  4. GB: That’s an excellent point regarding our anniversary! Who, in their right mind, would choose to get hitched on 9/11?!Ponita: We’ve been asking around (of course) and there are a lot of anti-Millan folks. I think a lot of it is professional envy but I’ve also heard some pretty compelling arguments against his techniques. We’re going to leave it to the professionals. SW: No worries! I can assure you that would NEVER happen. I think they’d sooner chuck me in the river! I claim poetic license for that scentence. Many thanks for the congrats.

  5. She has to learn that you are top dog and that this behaviour is unacceptable.You are right to tackle the problem before she goes too far.A badly trained dog can be a menace and it is unkind to the dog to let it continue IMO.

  6. Happy Anniversary to you and the Missus, tomorrow of course is me birfday so i’m right with you when you say fuck the terrorists… you know i’m no good with dogs, i’d of punted the sweetheart first time i saw blood… and damn does that food look good…

  7. the food looks delish! good for you and Mrs Wife for taking The Daughters out to a nice restaurant even though they’re young. it’s good for them to have the experience of fine dining at an early age. re the dog, i’m with everyone else on this one, she needs more training.Happy Anniversary to you and Mrs wife! xoxoxoxo

  8. Eating is one of lifes greatest pleasures my friend. Eating out with family and friends is something I never tire of.In regard to the dog, always beware of a pooch that bites its master as it grows older, especially where the weans are concerned. Safety where childer are concerned at all times. Dogs dislike upsetting their masters, so use a very firm NO when it nips and then walk away. Try it. Depending on the breed it usually works.Me personally, I wouldn’t think twice about getting rid of a dog that wasn’t safe around kids. Don’t feel too bad about the sack joke.

  9. A firm voice and an ‘I mean business’ attitude should sort the pooch out, but I’m pleased that you are seeking out a professional to help you.If she’s eating faeces then she might have worms.Sx

  10. Kono: Happy birthday, pal! What a treat. What did you do that morning when the towers bit? “It’s a special day! Oh. No it isn’t.”Sav: It WAS really good! Can you tell me if the black pasta was from squid’s ink? Can anyone? It was pretty to look at, but better to eat. Thanks for your anniv wishes. Chef: It’s great that I’m finally seeing the light in regards to food but a shame that it came about so late in life. You should see the portions the restaurants here in the U.S. serve. Monstrous mountains of food heaped on a plate. It’s off-putting. The dog is only 10 months old so I hope we caught her in time. We’ll see…SB: We give her medication for worms! There’s no way! Unless she’s got some bad ass worms crawling around inside her. Maybe they’re from Brooklyn.

  11. Love the reference to Peter Sellers; one of my favourite scenes ever.Sounds like you’ve got a problem with your pup. I’ve found a little tap on the nose suffices when ours tried to eat poo. I’ve never been bitten by Samo (our 5 year old Bichon Frise), but if he did he’d substantially more than a little tap. A size 12 (UK shoe size) steel-toed boot up its cute little ass.The food looks nice I suppose, but Lobster always reminds me of a big insect, which is a bit off-putting, and the only place for Ink is in a pen.Lovely view, but as I don’t know Sandy Hook or the Lower East Side, I cannot comment.Completely agree, Fuck Terrorists. Your day is your day.

  12. We spent an evening training The Dog out of snarling when we took a steak bone away from her. Ours is a Rottweiler, so naturally dominant and supposedly aggressive. It just takes patience and diligence. I can sneak up behind her whilst she is eating, hug her, pet her belly, take her food away … she knows the reaction has to be to just suffer through it. You can do it. No need to think about the dog in a burlap bag just yet! 😉

  13. Happy anniversary to you both. :¬)I know fuck-all about dogs.We bring the girls out to eat a few times a year, usually anniversaries & birthdays, but sometimes just because! :¬)

  14. Animals understand a host of things, but much if its channeled as pleasure and paint. A firm tap on the top of their snout is usually all it needs to be….its a sensitive area and gets their attention. Its got to be done on at the time of the event, not a split second too late! Anything beyond that is abuse and does NOTHING to help the animal learn who is the real Alpha. The fact that you didn’t nip her back when she nipped at you means she’s got the advantage now. Yer working out of a hole now, brother. Don’t be too compassionate and hold the line… snuggles round the fire to come later…happy A-versary! Twas a fine day that I’ll always remember as the standard for what I had to live up to with my first dance 7 years later. Y’all were swanky and elegant. Your wife can attest to my event, I was simply not relaxed enough to pull it off….I couldn’t stop thinking about how badly I wanted off that floor…. always the romantic, me. 😉

  15. TSB: Well done on the Sellers reference! Not the most hilarious film in the world but worth a few chuckles. How does one tap a dog on the nose when it snaps at your hand? I completely agree about the lobsters. The stuff of nightmares. I only eat them, ONLY, if they’re already prepared in a roll or stuffed in some ravioli. They’re too much work otherwise. Ellie: What do you mean “supposedly aggressive?” Are you saying they’re not? And I let a 15-pound cockapoo get the better of me. How humiliating.

  16. map: Thanks for the anniversary congrats. You’d have loved our band. Three-piece horn section! Our wedding song was Dean Martin’s “Ain’t that a Kick in the Head.”JZ: At only 10-months old, I hope I’m not digging out of too deep a hole. I didn’t mention it in the post, but I gave her a whack with the shit-shovel. Hopefully that made an impression. I mildly suggested getting rid of her and both daughters jumped all over my shit, so I’m in for the long haul.

  17. I wouldn’t have the slightest qualm about getting rid of a dog that didn’t behave. Maybe I’d get a vet to do it rather than the sack method, but its disposal wouldn’t weigh on my conscience. But then I wasn’t there when they gave out empathy with dogs.Blimey, 15 years. I can’t imagine ever being with anyone for that length of time.

  18. i have a functionally retarded, but fortunately submissive, 100 pound labrador. and i know fuck-all about training dogs, but i think you’re right to get professional help, and right to do it now. even a little yappy bastard of a dog can cause stress in a household when everyone has to walk on eggshells when the little shit is eating…happy anniversary. you are also right to take the day back. much like i’ve taken to reclaiming songs that i enjoy that have an unfortunate association with a past love… it’s yours. don’t let the fuckers win.why yes… yes, i AM drinking. why do you ask?

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