Only the best and brightest run for office in New Jersey

New Jersey recently held a special election to replace our Senator, Frank Lautenberg, who died in office unexpectedly at the age of 167. His constituents never saw it coming but the candidates weren’t caught off guard. They leapt into action before rigor mortis set in on poor Senator Lautenberg’s corpse. We don’t mourn for long in the Garden State, especially if there’s power to be grabbed.

Instead of waiting a few weeks for the November 2nd elections, which is what any rational, sane municipality would have done, the State spent $12 million to hold a special election. There’s a lot of bullshitty reasons being bandied about over why this happened but the truth is that our illustrious Governor, Chris Christie, who has presidential aspirations, didn’t want anything distracting from his reelection coronation. This was a fairly high profile Senatorial election and it would have hogged some of the spotlight, so he moved it out of his way. And that’s the truth.

The election was won by Corey Booker, a charismatic 44-year old with presidential aspirations. Does EVERY politician in New Jersey have delusions of grander? Running against Booker was a right-wing zealot named Steve Lonegan. During the campaign, when asked to comment on the Affordable Care Act, he said, “I have no interest in paying for your health care. I’d hate to see you get cancer, but that’s your problem, not mine.” Nice. He also said that being white is now “a handicap” and he made multiple campaign appearances with Sarah Palin, which is never good for your credibility.

Lonegan further endeared himself to the populous by accusing Booker of being a closeted homosexual. He made a bizarre statement claiming that there are rumors “…about how he likes to go out at three o’clock in the morning for a manicure and a pedicure.” I have a bunch of gay friends and to my knowledge, none of them have ever gotten a manny/peddy at that hour. To establish his macho bona fides, Lonegan went on to say, “As a guy, I personally like being a guy.” He lost the election but, FRIGHTENINGLY, was able to garnish 44% of the vote.

But those weren’t our only two choices on the ballot. Also running was this guy:

alimony

That’s right. The Alimony Reform Now party. Here’s a guy who got burned in his divorce settlement but isn’t taking it lying down. “I’ll fix them bitches once and for all. I’ll become a U.S. Senator and gut the alimony laws. They’ll get nuthin’ when I’m done with em’.” Mr. Roll-With-The-Punches, he ain’t.

If that’s a little too angry for you, you could’ve always voted for this guy:

barber

The Ed the Barber party?! What does that even MEAN?! What’s his platform? Hair restoration for all? How did these two clowns even make it onto the ballot?! Don’t you have to get, like, tens of thousands of signatures in order to be added? I’m going to run under the I Couldn’t Be Any Worse party.

I voted for Ed the Barber. Admit it, you would have, too.

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The Bacon Mobile made an appearance at the local outdoor fall festival. Hayrides. A corn maze (or, as my daughter pointed out, a maize maze). The usual. And this culinary delight. Mmmmmm. Bacon.

bacon-1

Only $10 bucks for chocolate covered bacon!? I’ll take two, please.


31 thoughts on “Only the best and brightest run for office in New Jersey

  1. I would have voted for ‘Nomination by Petition’, who sounds like a serious candidate who’s comfortable with words of more than two syllables. Isn’t Governor Christie too fat to be president?

    • It’s true that Governor Christie suffers from morbid obesity, but in preparation for his 2016 run for the presidency, he had gastric bypass surgery and is slowly taking off the pounds. He’ll be fighting weight right around the time of his announcement.

  2. Its incredulous that the American obsession with health and fitness, the enhancement of body parts by way of surgery and the fear of a steatopygic caboose are so heavily shadowed by the horror of so many fast foods. How does such a diet work in conjunction with so many great looking American female figures?

    Chocolate covered bacon? Bacon with maple cream cheese? Ah c’mon, 2 and 2 does not add up to make 6, surely?

    I would have voted Ed the Barber by the way, I love the irony.

    • I don’t know that there’s much of an obsession with health and fitness. On the surface it may appear so, but not in practice. And besides, you can exercise until you’re blue in the face–and many people out here do–but if you don’t control your eating, you’ll never see your toes. Eating chocolate-covered bacon and its ilk isn’t going to help matters. And not only do we here in Amerikey eat the wrong kinds of foods, we eat them in great quantities. It’s cheap and easy to get.

    • I think that conservative chap running on the Republican ticket was a big fan of firearms. I don’t understand the obsession with guns out here. I really don’t.

    • I believe that his 44% ‘get’ was an aberration due to low voter turnout. Because it was a one-off special election, not many people came out to vote. In a general election with a broader turnout, he never would have gotten that high a percentage.

      I HOPE.

    • I’m worried that people will just laugh this guy off and not pay any attention until he’s voted into office. It could happen!

  3. Of course i’d have voted for Ed the Barber, who the else would i vote for? Though even here in Pennsyltucky we’re aware of Mssr. Booker and don’t even get me started on Chris Christie.

    • Or Hank the Drunk. Wish he had been on the ballot. If I had been more forward thinking, I’d have wrote him in. Actually…there’s an election this Tuesday. It’s not often we get a second chance!

    • You’re not jealous, are you? Because these guys, as funny and entertaining as they are, can be dangerous. I’d be quite happy to be rid of them.

  4. 20% fringe voters for right and left = 40% voter turnout. not surprised by how terrifyingly close that race was. the fringe zealots – liberal and conservative – are the reliable base voters. the 60% of us in the middle ground tend to vote ‘lesser of two evils’ when we show up, or vote enthusiastically for NONE OF THE ABOVE, such as Ed.

    i’d have voted for Sweeney Todd, Demon Barber of Fleet Street, by the way.

  5. “As a guy, I personally like being a guy.” What??? So gay guys are filled with self-hatred and want nothing more than to be a woman? Ugh, I can’t believe he got 44% of the vote. And in the Garden State, which is supposed to be one of the more liberal states.
    Read the first comment … You have to be thin to be president of USA? What?

    • I’m hoping the 44% turnout was just the lunatic fringe, while the people with normal functioning brains stayed at home. He was behind in the polls throughout the campaign and there was never a chance in hell that he would win. So that’s a plus. As far as Governor Christie’s weight is concerned, it’s alway been an issue. He speaks of it himself. To say that appearance doesn’t count, that candidates aren’t judged solely by the content of their positions, is naive. Richard Nixon lost to John F. Kennedy because he looked so bad on TV during that first debate.

  6. I can’t believe how far to the right the whole political specturm is set over there. Jeez, I think my country is bad enough. I can only cling on to the hope that like Daisyfae said, there is an opening for a liberal-left party to represent people who aren’t nutcases.

    I’m not surprised Christie is fat if those are the food choices on offer. I’ve got two American cookery books. The better one is written by a Texan from Austin. Lovely American food which you can eat without ending up looking like the Michelin Man. But no recipes for chocolate bacon.

    • Believe it or not, Chris Christie might prove to be the antidote to all the right-wing bile and hatred. Even though he’s a conservative he’s great at compromising. The far-right hates him for that very reason. They have a take-no-prisinors attitude, which won’t get us anywhere. I can think of much worse Republicans we could get stuck with.

    • Looby the health care debate is phenomenal. I sat in a hotel room hearing some politician saying “do you want it like England where woman have to now have their children delivered on the streets” the guy was senator for some hole in Kentucky I think

  7. There is some quote about the desire for running for political office should bar you from being able to. Always fancied standing as the “none of the above” candidate myself only worryingly I think I might win a landslide victory!!

    • I have a cockamamie theory that the chromosome containing the trait to make a person gravitate towards political office also contains a flaw that makes a person easily corrupted. I haven’t seen it written up in a medical journal but it wouldn’t surprise me.

  8. Back home the candidate for mayor that is running was LITERALLY caught with his pants down, drunk & passed out on a sidewalk.
    “In 2004, Coyne was found nearly naked and intoxicated on Columbia Road in North Olmsted” (compliments of Google).
    He left office for a few years and is back running; funny we just saw him at the local bar recently so apparently the rehab isn’t working to well. The worse part about all this we actually have residents that support him.
    So we do we vote for him or Colonna who quickly left his other political position held with DeMora who was sentenced for racketeering.
    HMM what to do-what to do. Be glad you moved!

    • Sounds to me like he’s supremely qualified for office. Seriously…what other profession would put up with that kind of nonsense? Can you imagine if I was caught doing all that stuff? Believe it or not, the community of people who do what I do is pretty small and I’d be persona non grata. I doubt anyone would hire me again.

    • That’s correct. Ours are worse. Much worse. But I think we’ve bottomed-out. A spate of elections was held yesterday and many of the lunatic fringe lost out. Thank heavens.

      Do you mean to say you forgot about bacon? How is that possible? I don’t understand?

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