New Jersey politics | Exile on Pain Street

New Jersey recently held a special election to replace our Senator, Frank Lautenberg, who died in office unexpectedly at the age of 167. His constituents never saw it coming but the candidates weren’t caught off guard. They leapt into action before rigor mortis set in on poor Senator Lautenberg’s corpse. We don’t mourn for long in the Garden State, especially if there’s power to be grabbed.

Instead of waiting a few weeks for the November 2nd elections, which is what any rational, sane municipality would have done, the State spent $12 million to hold a special election. There’s a lot of bullshitty reasons being bandied about over why this happened but the truth is that our illustrious Governor, Chris Christie, who has presidential aspirations, didn’t want anything distracting from his reelection coronation. This was a fairly high profile Senatorial election and it would have hogged some of the spotlight, so he moved it out of his way. And that’s the truth.

The election was won by Corey Booker, a charismatic 44-year old with presidential aspirations. Does EVERY politician in New Jersey have delusions of grander? Running against Booker was a right-wing zealot named Steve Lonegan. During the campaign, when asked to comment on the Affordable Care Act, he said, “I have no interest in paying for your health care. I’d hate to see you get cancer, but that’s your problem, not mine.” Nice. He also said that being white is now “a handicap” and he made multiple campaign appearances with Sarah Palin, which is never good for your credibility.

Lonegan further endeared himself to the populous by accusing Booker of being a closeted homosexual. He made a bizarre statement claiming that there are rumors “…about how he likes to go out at three o’clock in the morning for a manicure and a pedicure.” I have a bunch of gay friends and to my knowledge, none of them have ever gotten a manny/peddy at that hour. To establish his macho bona fides, Lonegan went on to say, “As a guy, I personally like being a guy.” He lost the election but, FRIGHTENINGLY, was able to garnish 44% of the vote.

But those weren’t our only two choices on the ballot. Also running was this guy:

That’s right. The Alimony Reform Now party. Here’s a guy who got burned in his divorce settlement but isn’t taking it lying down. “I’ll fix them bitches once and for all. I’ll become a U.S. Senator and gut the alimony laws. They’ll get nuthin’ when I’m done with em’.” Mr. Roll-With-The-Punches, he ain’t.

If that’s a little too angry for you, you could’ve always voted for this guy:

The Ed the Barber party?! What does that even MEAN?! What’s his platform? Hair restoration for all? How did these two clowns even make it onto the ballot?! Don’t you have to get, like, tens of thousands of signatures in order to be added? I’m going to run under the I Couldn’t Be Any Worse party.

I voted for Ed the Barber. Admit it, you would have, too.

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The Bacon Mobile made an appearance at the local outdoor fall festival. Hayrides. A corn maze (or, as my daughter pointed out, a maize maze). The usual. And this culinary delight. Mmmmmm. Bacon.