Old. New. Borrowed. Blue.

Something Old

bins

May 31, 1991

Karen called to torment me. She moved out of her parent’s house and broke off her engagement. She asked for restaurant recommendations because she’s coming to New York with some guy. [She lived in Philadelphia.] She told me they’re staying at the Omni Berkshire. I have no idea why she included that tidbit. She said she’s been thinking about me and wants to get together. Afterwards, she went outside to burn up ants with sunlight and a magnifying glass and pour table salt on garden slugs, that whore. I think I love her.

Landis called me into his office. He told me to call the animal hospital where his dog is and ask for the nearest pharmacy. Then I’m supposed to call the pharmacy and see if they stock the medication his dog needs. If they do, I’m instructed to arrange to have it delivered to the hospital. If the pharmacy doesn’t stock it, I’m to call all the area pharmacies until I find one that does and arrange delivery. And what does any of this have to do with graphic design? As if I needed another reason to hate dogs more than I do already.

I went back to my desk and stewed in my loserdom for about :20 minutes. Then I walked back into his office fully expecting to be fired and told him I’d prefer to keep what little scrap of dignity I have left and not be an errand boy for his FUCKING DOG. I didn’t say fucking dog. I just said dog. He said, “Oh. Okay.” And that was the end of it.

Gerri said she can’t wait to get married because she’s sick of being lonely. She said there are no men in her life and it’s driving her crazy. All of our nights out and the numerous dinners I’ve cooked mean nothing to her. All she needs to do is look across the table. I’m going after Karen. She might sleep with me. Gerri never will. Valerie said to be patient. She said that in time, everything will be revealed to me through divine provenance. She’s very religious.

Well, I’ve been down so Goddamn long
That it looks like up to me

Last month, I submitted a sample for a writing workshop and when I read the acceptance letter I got all choked up. My assumption was that there were so few entries that everyone was accepted or that mine was accepted in error. The class is only 12 people.

On the first day I asked Glenda, the woman running the show, if my piece was selected by default or if there were actually more than 12 people who applied. She said there’s a waiting list of people hoping for cancellations and many more who were never considered. She said the fact that I think so little of my abilities is an important first step in becoming a published writer. Very funny. She asked if I intended to stay in class this time. I didn’t think she’d remember. I’m going to have to grind it out. Nine weeks. Ugh. I read an article about the woman who wrote Thelma and Louise. She didn’t know anything about the mechanics of writing a screenplay so she bought a “how to” book and banged the whole thing out in only six months. Six months!


Something New

When visiting PetSmart to load-up on supplies, 9-year old daughter always selects a new chew toy. Recently, she came home with this:

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Seriously? I’ll bet the boys back in the molding plant are having a jolly chuckle. Living in a house full of women isn’t emasculating enough. I have to look up from my reading chair and watch this:

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Something Borrowed (from Charles Boukowski)

art

as
the
spirit
wanes
the
form
appears

In other words, as you lose the desire to create, the mundane takes over. I’ve trashed a half dozen blog posts that just sat there like dead lumps of nothing. Bored by the sound of my own voice.


Something Blue

This is Left Bank Books on 8th Avenue in Greenwich Village. Rare, second-hand and out-of-print books. Heaven on earth.

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Or, rather…it was.

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Once again, Jeff Bezos has blood on his hands. The Catullus quote means “Hail and Farewell.” This gave me the deep blue blues for days.

This is Picasso’s Brain on Drugs

Picasso after his morning coffee.

Another cup and a bong hit.

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A second bong hit and a psilocybin mushroom.

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A third cup of coffee and a tab of LSD.

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Admittedly, that last one looks like a big glop of plaster. But if you look at the progression, you can kind-of/sort-of see where he was going with this. He kept pushing the boundaries until the form was contorted beyond recognition. He  did that with paint, too. I can’t say I like that last one, but it gives me a warm glow to have a vague understanding of it.

These are courtesy of the Museum of Modern Art’s landmark and smartly-installed Picasso sculpture exhibit. It’s being hailed as the last time you’ll see such a complete gathering of his sculptures under one roof. I didn’t understand a lot of it, but it was a thrill.


More tales of women in my past.

bins

June 25, 1995

I didn’t make an entry last night because I was out all night with Maureen. I had planned on going home to watch the Yankees beat-up the Indians. I asked her out for a beer and it turned into an all-nighter. It was fun. She and I talk so easy. I wish I were attracted to her and that she had some social graces. She’s yet another tormented, temperamental artist. This town is choking on them. Their torment is so tedious. I thank God that I’m not cursed with talent. It seems to drive some folks over the edge. We made out once and it was kind of a disaster so now I keep a respectful distance.

Sedaris’ book is out in paperback and is doing well. See that. Sometimes the good guys win.

I met an interesting girl at the Gilberto Gil concert in Central Park. She was a pretty, blonde green-eyed French girl who lives in Toronto. She had a soft accent and a gentle, wispy air to her. She works for the largest French bank on the planet in their Toronto office. She grew up in rural France and was given the choice of transferring to either Jakarta or Canada. She didn’t want to live in a Muslim country so Canada won the contest. Smart girl. She visits New York every few weeks to see her boyfriend who’s an Analyst at Lehman Brothers.

(The Indians are on the radio in the background having their asses handed to them by the Yankees. Good God, will this torment ever end?) [Note: Apparently, not.]

Anyway, her boyfriend had to work, which is what all Financial Analysts do on Sunday, so she was by herself. Her work life is similar to his. She’s routinely in the office until 8:00 or 9:00 at night. Young professionals sacrificing their today for a better tomorrow. They hope. I didn’t feel like flirting because of the insurmountable odds, which was actually kind of liberating. Talking to a girl without having an agenda is always a pleasure.

She’s got a hell of a gene pool. Her sister is in Vietnam conducting a study on how the jungle is being affected by the developing nation. Her sister’s boyfriend is so in love with her that he quit his job in France and followed her to Vietnam. Isn’t that romantic? She complained for a while about how dull Toronto is and how much she loves New York. I know how you feel, sister. She said she can see the Empire State and the Chrysler Building from her boyfriend’s bathroom window, so she leaves the curtain open and looks at them while taking a shower.

Typically, I would’ve been torn to pieces with envy over all this but I was strangely serene. We were sitting on a bench and a couple across the way started making out. It was like watching a softcore porn movie or an instructional video on sexual assault. We watched with a detached fascination. We decided they’d just started dating and were in that phase when you can’t keep your hands off of each other. It wears off sooner or later but it’s nice when you’re in that space.

When we spoke, she looked at me hard, like there were some things running through her mind, but I swear she wasn’t interested in that way. I could tell. I made her laugh a bit and when it came time for her to go I didn’t say or do anything stupid, like follow her out of the park or try to kiss her. This is progress. She had to catch a plane back to Toronto, so she left and that was that.

I go to these Central Park Summerstage concerts exactly once a year. I’ll go to one early in the season, realize how miserably crowded they are and swear off them until next season. I made an exception in this case because Gilberto Gil doesn’t tour this way very often. And it was free.


Come to New York and live like a caged animal.

apartments

I called to check the price (because I had to) and you can rent a 360 sq. ft. micro-apartment for $2,750/month.

27th Street IS a fabulous block, so you have to take that into consideration (along with the imminent loss of your sanity).

We Like New York City

I was invited to participate in the Big Birthday Playlist Tsunami for Samara. The idea was to post a song that represents her persona out here in the ether but I can do one better. We have a song that’s ours.

Samara and I are seekers on the same path. We’ve never bumped into (or stepped over) one another along the way, but we’re on the same path. We lived in the East Village for many years before it got tidied-up and became a playground for the wealthy. When we were there, the wealthy only visited when they wanted to go slumming.

What was once this:

cbgbIs now this:

varvatosThose city years left an impression on us. You can call it a scar but I like to think of it as a beauty mark. We both fled to the New Jersey suburbs for the same reason; to make a better life for our kids. The East Village is no place to raise a child. She lives just a few towns over.

Joey Ramone sent us a post card from our past. This song fills us with blue melancholy. In addition to having a great hook, the video for his New York City is a stop-motion masterpiece. It winds through some of the same streets where we lived. Our streets. That guitar solo over the Brooklyn Bridge feels like going home. It’s like a home movie with a kick ass soundtrack. Reet, doll?

Happy birthday.

Here are the other participants and their tracks.

Before Gentrification

I don’t approve of gentrification. But the people who complain about it the most tend to have a romanticized notion of what pre-gentrified NYC was like. It was a hellhole. Their dark, poetic remembrances are just a fancy notion.

bin3


September 10, 1994

I have got to get out of this neighborhood. It’s a great apartment but if I stay here much longer I’ll get caught in crossfire. Last night I heard a lot of yelling and commotion in the alley. Someone yelled, “Get your fucking hands up!” I turned all the lights off and ran to the window. Four cops climbed over the barbed wire top of the fence and ran down the alley with their guns drawn.

There’s been a rash of ODs over the past few days because of some tainted heroin. The Times said the police traced the sales to Clinton and Rivington, a half block away. What a lovely distinction. They published a photo of my street and it looks like one of Dante’s more sinister levels of hell. The one reserved for child molesters or politicians.

They described Clinton as “A scruffy street on the Lower East Side. The area is lined with a hodgepodge of stores, ranging from a corner bodega to an abandoned matzoh factory. Men apparently down on their luck walked around with blank expressions.” Did the reporter see me walking home from work? Last night there was a seller yelling at the top of his lungs, “POISON! POISON! I GOT POISON” That’s probably the brand that’s killing junkies. Cindy and I were talking about it this morning. She’s amazed I was able to hear him in the back of the building. She’s in the front and said it goes on all night, every night.

I called a real estate agent and told her I have to find someplace else to live. By the end of the call she had me convinced that I’m lucky to be here. She told me horror stories about trying to find an apartment that’s both affordable and humane. I told her my apartment was rent controlled, 900 sq ft and less than $600/mo. She said that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should I let it go, so I guess I won’t. But I hate it. It makes me hate me.

I was interviewed at an agency by a beautiful Greek girl. Maria Stolopoloplolopos or something like that. A dark, smoldering, hairy beauty. It’s for a project at Citibank. If they don’t place me I’m going ask her out. I was tested on some graphic software. It was hard but I think I did okay. The gig is in the Citicorp building about two levels below ground. A subbasement with no natural light or windows. It looks like a Kafkaesque hell. The money is good. Still, I kind of hope I failed the test.

[Note: I passed the test and got the assignment. It was as dreary as it sounds. You could hear the subways rumble by on the other side of the wall. I don’t remember if I dated the Greek girl.]

I’m halfway through Last Train to Memphis by Peter Guralnick. He’s such a compelling writer. I wish I could write half as well. I read stuff like this and I know there’s no hope for a poseur like me.

I saw Klinger perform at LaMaMa on Saturday night. He was okay. He’s such a generic white guy that I don’t understand why he hasn’t been picked up by a soap. He’s good looking in that clean, Midwestern, heterosexual sort of way. Afterwards, I went out for drinks with the cast and crew and had a very nice time. I like hanging around actors and actresses right after they get off the stage. Depending on how the audience responded, they’re either on fire with euphoria or they’re suicidal. Klinger tells everyone I write, which bothers me because it isn’t true.

The actress that Klinger is trying to set me up with was there—Lauren. He made sure we sat next to each other. She’s pretty. Blonde, blue eyes and a nice mouth. I think she might be pushing 40, though. In addition to acting, she also “coaches people,” whatever the hell that is. Afterwards, I asked Klinger what that meant and he couldn’t provide a clear explanation. I was the only person at a table of nine not smoking. The bar was like a gas chamber that served vodka tonics. My clothes stank when I got home.

Lauren spent a lot of time telling me that I should CONFRONT the FEARS that are HOLDING ME BACK and make it impossible for me to achieve SUCCESS and find true and long-lasting HAPPINESS. So that was WEIRD. I wanted to shut her up by kissing her pretty mouth. Actresses are wonderful and flakey. I just love them. I’ll bet she’s a pistol in bed. She asked for my number and said she would call to further discuss my BLOCKS. I gave it to her but doubt I’ll ever hear from her.

While typing that last sentence she called. We’re having brunch on Wednesday. How about that? Brunch. Christ.


theboysThat’s me on the right. I met those two yokels right around the time of this entry, 20+ years ago. I remember they were reluctant to visit my apartment on Clinton St. (with good reason). This pic was taken just last week. Even after a long absence from seeing each other, we can sit in a rooftop bar in Manhattan and pick up the conversation thread that started in 1994 as if there hadn’t been a break at all. Christopher Hitchens is right:

“A melancholy lesson of advancing years is the realization that you can’t make old friends.”

Potpourri!

Sun. Sand. Seclusion.

beach1The perfect atmosphere for…

beach2…yammering into a phone for HOURS while simultaneously texting into a second phone. PLUS, he wore a collared shirt. Double-douche bag beach fail. Somewhere, Nero is tuning his fiddle.

My Bride (the voice of reason) asked, “Why don’t you just mind your own business and enjoy the beach?” Seriously? Why didn’t our Founding Fathers mind their own business? Or Louis Pasteur? Who’ll be the arbiter of acceptable behavior if I sheath my sword? Mind my own business, indeed. Where’s the fun in that?


Web Site Under Construction

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Archie is a Gateway Drug

I fed my girls a steady diet of Archie comics early on in the hopes an addiction would take root. Comics are a vital part of growing up, so you’ve got to start their craving as early as possible.

We were in the city to see a big Broadway musical (Aladdin—expensive and dull). Before the show, we visited Midtown Comics. You can lose track of time in that place. 13-Year Old Daughter walked up to me with a comic in her hand and said, “Dad, I think I’m going to buy this with my own money.”

WWShe acted without any encouragement from me. And look what she’s going for. Girl power. Mission accomplished. At least I got that right.


Web Developer

spider


My friend’s marriage imploded. Do you know how they say it takes two? Well, not in this case. She didn’t do anything wrong. She’s a gem. He was a creep. Anyway, they sold their two-bedroom co-op in the Bronx and she just bought a co-op in Manhattan.

It’s located on Riverside Drive, across the street from the park. It’s in an old, elegant, impeccably maintained, highly desirable, doorman building. The asking price was $359K but she ended up paying $375K thanks to a heated bidding war. Add another $487/month for maintenance.

It’s 250 sq. ft.

Here’s the listing if you don’t believe me. Scroll down and check out the floor plan.

http://corenyc.com/310-riverside-drive-609

I’m writing about this because it’s sensational. I’m sure most of you think it’s an outrage, which, of course, it is. Another zany New York story. But she’s not paying for a 250 sq. ft. co-op (or, as she put it, coop).

When I walk out my front door, I’m in suburban New Jersey. When you walk out your front door, you’re in (fill in the blank). When SHE walks out her front door, she’s in Manhattan, on Riverside drive, across the street from the park, a short cab ride away from so, so much.

THAT’S what she’s paying for.

I’m sure it doesn’t seem like a fair exchange to most of you. But do you know what? I GET IT. I understand that for a person who desires a very specific lifestyle, a lifestyle that’s not a popular choice with the masses, it’s totally WORTH IT.


Web Site Up and Running

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Last month I did a post that featured some superhero illustrations that were done with spray paint. Remember? Well, I bumped into that girl again on 42nd Street at 6th Avenue. These are new and they are badass.

art1 art2I chatted her up a bit. Those illustrations are only $20 bucks a piece! What a bargain! Here’s her contact info if you’re interested. She ships worldwide. This stuff is even more fetching in person.

Iuliia Koloskova
sprayart.nyc@gmail.com
(646) 255-7358


“We’re all going to die, all of us. What a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn’t. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities. We are eaten up by nothing.”

Charles Bukowski (of course)


Is anyone interested in Gothic architecture? They just finished a multi-year restoration project of St. Patrick’s Cathedral on 5th Avenue. Years of soot and grime were blasted away. The stone is pure and pristine.

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You don’t have to be Catholic or spiritual to be moved by this (although, I’m sure it doesn’t hurt). Catholic diocese all over the country are closing churches because they can’t afford to maintain the properties. Congregations are shrinking. I wonder what this restoration cost? And if any churches could have been saved with those funds? They did a nice job.

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What a lazy post. Gimmie a break. It’s August.