Monthly Archives: June 2009

random nyc pic

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This, believe it or not, is a section of the Berlin wall planted right in the heart of midtown Manhattan:

wall

It was shipped over and mounted in a courtyard on 55th Street just off of Madison Avenue (I believe. Check me on that). You can eat your lunch and people watch just below a symbol of Eastern European oppression.

I remember when the Berlin wall fell. There were opportunists down on Wall Street selling pieces of rock that were suppose to be from the wall as paperweights. A lot of people bought them, despite the fact that their authenticity could not be verified.

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I had a brutal workout this morning at the gym and was running late. I came out of the shower and took the corner a little too tight and a little too fast and smacked right into a guy walking in. He had a HUGE cock! And it was flaccid! I’m still pretty upset about the whole thing.

o, wretched new jersey

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Imagine; a sophisticated New Yorker such as myself trapped amongst the quiet, twisting side streets and emerald parkways of New Jersey. What happened to my city? Where can I turn for fulfillment, now that my Lower East Side apartment is gone? Why, just this past weekend the only thing I had to stimulate me was a trip to the shore on a sun-drenched, blue Saturday afternoon.

The boardwalk teemed with happy people. Laughter mixed with the sound of the ocean crashing on the shore. The beach was dotted with brightly colored umbrellas and you could smell the salt in the sea breeze. We ate beach food for lunch. Beach food is like bar food but much worse, which is to say, much better. Dippin’ Dots, anyone?

We brought 3-Year Old and 7-Year Old to the boardwalk amusement park. I took them for a ride on the toy train. I’m sure they’ll go through stages where they’re at each others throats but for the time being, they are the best of friends.

nj+train

Sure, it’s cute. But where is the artistry in it? So common it’s cliché. I exercised some of my demons on the bumper cars. I taught 7-Year Old Daughter that you have to earn the title of King of the Bumper Car Highway.

nj+bumper+2

It might look like fun, but how am I supposed to feed my cerebral needs on such meager morsels?

Sunday, another drearily clear, blue day with comfortable temperatures and blazing sun, we all went to a baseball game. There’s minor league park just a short drive away and although I’m certain that a game at a Major League park would prove to be a more intellectually fulfilling experience, this trifle is all I have available to me. 7-Year Old Daughter fruitlessly tried to explain the intricacies of base running to 3-Year Old Daughter.

nj+baseball

They had excellent sight lines, but here was my view of home plate:

nj+baseball+2

Another fine specimen from the Garden State. As the afternoon progressed, his neck took on the shade of a ripe tomato and the sweat dripped off of his earlobes.

There’s just nothing out here worth doing. It’s all so ordinary.

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Addendum: I feel compelled to mention that this post is an exercise in sarcasm and my that critiques are purely tongue-in-cheek, in case anyone thought I was bent enough to not realize how good I’ve got it.

he ain’t no shakespeare

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062409_sanfordSouth Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford was busted for having an extramarital affair. His paramour lives in Argentina and he used taxpayer dollars to visit her, which he claims he is paying back.

I have less of an issue with the money than I do with the fact that this is the same motherfucker who demanded that President Clinton resign after his affair in 1998 and voted for three of the four articles of impeachment against him. Of course, he’s a Republican. No surprise there.

In addition to his moral hypocrisy, get a load of this creepy, cringe-worthy excerpt from his emails that were released:

“My heart cries out for you, your voice, your body, the touch of your lips, the touch of your finger tips and an even deeper connection to your soul.”
Oh, my GOD! I’m going to fucking PUKE all over my laptop! That is simply awful writing. Do women really fall for second-rate supermarket romance dreck like this? Ladies, if someone dropped that line in your email inbox, wouldn’t you and the girls wet yourself laughing? Or am I wrong?

If my writing ever gets that bad, can someone please tell me so I can shut down this blog and stop humiliating myself?

the unbearable banishment: no friend to the handicapped

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I have never—and would never—park in a handicapped spot. I thank jeebus I don’t need one and curse anyone who would do something like that.

But while at A Company Called Malice, Inc., I always use the handicapped stall in the men‘s room. It’s more spacious and usually cleaner.

While in disposed yesterday, I tapped out a few text messages. I like to multi-task. Took my time doing it, too.

I finished up, opened the door and the new compliance officer—the one in the wheel chair—was giving me the evil fish eye. I didn’t hear him wheel in and have no idea how long he’d been waiting. I heard other people walk in and out so he had to sit through that.

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Poor Ed McMahon. Even in death, he’s a second banana.

post for A Free Man / yankee blues

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This post is for A Free Man who is in Australia. It’ll probably only be of interest to him, those who cannot stand the New York Yankees and those readers who never tire of my biting sarcasm.

I don’t know if the news made it down under, but I wanted to make sure you knew that Tommy Hanson, rookie pitcher for your Braves, pitched a shutout against the Yankees the other night. The mighty Yankees, with a payroll bigger than the GDP of some small nations, tucked their tails between their vaginas and lost to a young kid from Atlanta.

Alex Rodriguez ($275 million) is hitting an anemic .143 in June. He usually waits until October to put up numbers like that. Pitcher C.C. Sabathia ($161 million) only threw 35 pitches in he last outing because his bicep was sore. I thought he might have hurt it trying to fasten his seat belt around his ever-expanding gut, but my friend thinks he might have twisted it while trying to lift his wallet. Pitching ace phenom Chien-Ming Wang (one year @ $5 million) is 0-6. The list is endless. Isn’t that just too funny?!

My Indians are horrific this year but if the Yankees maintain this blistering pace, the season won’t be complete wipeout.