How Harper Lee Saved Me

Several people have pinged me about the announcement of Harper Lee’s new novel. It’s based on a recently-discovered manuscript that she wrote in mid-50’s and takes place 20 years after To Kill A Mockingbird.

I think just about everyone has already read and commented on this post but I thought I’d rerun it. It’s the reason why people are reaching out to me with this wonderful news. It explains who I am and why I’m typing these words right now. I’d be a hot mess if it weren’t for her.


Today is the 50th anniversary of the publication of To Kill a Mockingbird. It’s the single most important book in my life.

I didn’t read a book until I was 20 years old. It’s true! They attempted to force-feed me while attending my below-average schools, but I made it clear that I would only read a book under protest and made every effort to not finish it. I usually succeeded.

Flash to age 20. I’m in the Coast Guard (no University for me, thanks!) and freshly arrived in New York City. I didn’t know a soul. I’d not felt so isolated and all alone before or since. At that time, New York was a dirty, overwhelming, scary mess. But I got sick of sitting around and staring at my shoelaces, so I decided to go exploring.

I took the R train from Whitehall up to Central Park. On the way, I passed a street peddler who was selling books. I gave birth to, what I imagined was, the most original and exciting idea ever conceived. I was going to sit in the park and read a book. I thought that voluntarily reading a book was a courageous act.

I looked over the books spread out on the sidewalk (I can still picture them to this day) and saw a tattered, worn paperback of To Kill a Mockingbird. I remembered that some of my friends in school had to read it, so I thought I’d give it a try. Plus, it was thin and that appealed to me.

I sat down on a Central Park bench, opened the book and began reading. I was a different man when I got up off that bench. It was a defining moment. That book sucked me in and I haven’t stopped reading since. It opened a door for me. I became a reader because of To Kill a Mockingbird. What a gift!

In 2005 I got the notion to write to Harper Lee and tell her how much her book meant to me. I wrote that, because of her book, I’m living a more interesting life than someone without a college degree could have expected to. I wrote that I’m a better father to my daughters and honestly don’t know what would have become of me if her book hadn’t introduced me to reading.

Harper Lee is a recluse who shuns publicity. All I knew was that she lived in Monroeville, Alabama, so I sent the letter to Harper Lee, c/o Monroeville, AL. I never expected it to arrive, much less be read by her, but I had to get that off my chest.

Just a few short days after I sent my letter, I received the following:

lee1lee2The fact that I moved Harper Lee to write such an elegant thank-you note is meaningful to me. The funny coda is that a few days after that, I received ANOTHER note from Ms. Lee. She couldn’t remember whether or not she sent a thank-you note.

“Forgive me if this is a repeat letter; I’m old, my eyesight is failing and I’m FORGETFUL. I may have forgot that I replied to you, but I know one thing: I’ll never forget your letter. In 45 years of receiving fan mail, I never had a letter mean so much to me. Thank you for it.”

Happy birthday, Atticus. Thanks for saving me from a boring life.

Asbury Park. December 27, 2014.

I’ve still got my panties in a twist over my malfunctioning comment section. So much so, that I haven’t felt like writing anything. Don’t roll your eyes at me. You’ve got irrational hang-ups, too. The commenting give-and-take makes it all worthwhile. The WordPress wonks aren’t as enthusiastic about fixing it as I thought they’d be. Meanwhile, here’s a photo essay.


We took advantage of a freakishly balmy December day and strolled the Asbury Park boardwalk.

boardwalkThat decaying structure in the background is the old Asbury Park Casino.

boardwalk1casinoThe Casino was an arena built in the 1920’s. The walkway links Asbury Park to adjacent community Ocean Grove. The acoustics of the walkway are ideal for busking.

buskingPorkchop, Casino Mural, (Ocean Avenue, Asbury Park, NJ), 2009

mermaidcasino1The Happiest Dog in New Jersey.

dog1Punk Rock godfather Tom Verlaine still working the circuit.

verlaineNo Swimming. Lifeguard Not on Duty.

no-swimmingThe Second Happiest Dog in New Jersey. Dogs love the boardwalk.

dog2Two of many, many, vintage 1950’s-era pinball machines at the Silver Ball Museum, all in working order.

pinball1Detail from Hawaiian Beauty. I’ll say.

pinball2“Did you hear the cops finally busted Madam Marie
for tellin’ fortunes better than they do?”

madamm

Corner of Pain St. and Attention Deficit Blvd.

I.

I’m upgrading my phone and I don’t know if I should get an iPhone 6 or 6+. I’m frozen with indecision. You can’t take this stuff lightly. You use your mobile phone every day, all day and you’re stuck with it for two years. The iPhone 6 is only marginally bigger than my 5. What’s the point? The 6+ has better specs but it’s too damn big. It’s like talking into a floor tile. They should have invented something in between. Idiots. This wouldn’t have happened if Jobs was still alive. I asked Siri but she was no help.siri

II.

I would un-invent email if I could. I came back from vacation to 200+ emails at work. I’m not even management! I’m just a lowly worker bee! Can you imagine what those guys go through? 80% of them were nonsense. I leave work every evening with an empty inbox and there’ll be anywhere from 10-20 new messages in the morning. Those ass-kissers and workaholics send stuff all hours of the night. Sometimes as late as 3:00 a.m. Go to bed, you fuckheads. Play with your kids. Walk the dog. Have a glass of wine with your spouse. Read a book. Or take a sleeping pill. But don’t email me.

III.

7th Avenue and 40th St. The Fashion District. Tuesday, December 2nd, 6:30 a.m.

seventh-av1 seventh-av2 seventh-av3IV.

I work in an open-architecture environment. They broadcast CNBC on flat screens with the sound off. The financial analysts like to see the stock ticker and breaking news. Occasionally, CNBC will conduct an investment strategy straw poll. For instance, the NASDAQ is about to hit 5,000. Should you buy or sell? Here’s everything you need to know about Wall Street: cnbcProof positive that NONE of those guys know ANYTHING. It’s all a guessing game.

 V.

Q. You said that you feel like an outsider in Hollywood. Do you still feel like that?

A. One hundred percent. Feeling like an outsider is part of my nature, and it’s what makes me who I am, so I think I’ll find a way to make myself feel like an outsider no matter what situation I’m in.

Zooey Deschanel
Time Magazine print edition
November 24, 2014

Because nothing screams I’m a rebel like fielding fluff ball questions on a national stage in a dying medium. With Taylor Swift on the cover, no less. She’s like actors who complain about being famous. You’re not an outsider, cupcake. Image fail. And stop using “one hundred percent.” It’s a tired, worn out cliche.

VI.

A befuddled Jackie Mason strolls down 7th Avenue. I should run a fill-in-the-caption contest. masonThat’s one of the reasons why New York is so fun. You can go out for lunch and see ancient celebrities promenade down the avenues. [Does Jackie Mason qualify as a celeb? Do you know who he was/is?]

VII.

Jesus. What a dull, ornery, meandering post. I just broke my own cardinal rule: don’t hit publish just for the sake of pushing a post out. If you don’t have anything to write about, give it a rest. Quantity never beats quality. And it never will.

Up and Down the Social Ladder

I stumbled across this photo of Kira Nightly at the premiere of The Information Game all glammed-up and posing in her Dolce & Gabbana while some frumpy fans look on.

knightlyIt reminded me of this famous photo by Weegee which, having always been insecure about my place in society, never fails to stir my bile.

weegeeWeegee had intended this to be a social commentary but it was later proven to be a fake. The photo was staged. The two matrons were wealthy friends of Weegee and the urchin was brought up from the Bowery, plied with liquor and told to stand in that spot. She was the only one unaware of the ruse. Weegee was a smart guy. He got the expression on her face he needed. Because it has been discredited, the photo is said to have lost its power to incite, but I beg to differ. It still pisses me off a little bit every time I see it. For some reason, it always reminds of my mom. Isn’t that sad?

I was watching Jerry Seinfeld’s Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (which you should watch because it’s brilliant). In the episode with Kevin Hart, they were discussing growing up humble, as they did, versus growing up wealthy, as their children are. They had this prescient exchange:

Hart: “The things that made me into who I am, my kids will never experience.”

Seinfeld: “That’s right. It’s going to be different for them. Your problem was: Things are bad, I gotta make it good. Their problem is going to be: Things are good. Why do I feel bad?”

Scramble two, Jerry.


We took the girlies to Orlando over a school break. We visited Universal Studios. They’re too old for Disney princesses, but they’re in that sweet spot for The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. An old, cynical crank would say that it’s a lot of this:

gringottsAnd this:

menuA $10 hot dog! At least you get crisps with it. You can buy all the soda you want while in the Universal theme park but once you enter into Hogwarts or Diagon Alley, it’s not available. You can get Butterbeer, water and juices, but no Coke. I was told that that was at J.K. Rowling’s insistence, which is marvelous. I love her.

I found that if you leave yo pretentious ass back in New York (which is no mean feat for a part-time snob like myself), you can be suitably impressed by the meticulous attention to detail and the superb execution of design. Like this big fella:

dragon1Pretty good and even more impressive in person. Every few minutes he belches a loud, powerful blast of fire. If you’re standing nearby, you can feel a wave of heat. It’s quite an accomplishment. Might be fun to smoke a big fatty and see this.

dragon2There were a lot of visitors from the UK. I mean, a LOT. Is this a big destination for you guys? I got into a fascinating discussion about succession with two travelers from Scotland. Two cute girls with accents that can melt an aged Anglophile.

Life is a carousel ride. Sometimes literally.

M_K2


“Growing up is hard, especially for men, because that means you have to leave the best years of your life behind.”

Mike Tyson

Funhouse

Just look at this ridiculous distortion. [Side note: I love the background.]

mirrorOver the weekend we were strolling the boardwalk in Seaside Heights. Inside an arcade, I came across a wall of funhouse mirrors. Each one presented a comic, distorted me. I studied each reflection carefully and realized that this is exactly how I present myself to the world. A series of preposterous exaggerations.

The people I work with have no idea who I really am and they never will. I won’t allow it. My daughters certainly haven’t a clue. How could they? They lack perspective. I don’t put my true self out here in blogland. Who does!? Don’t all posts contain a modicum of half-truths and boasts? I moved away from home decades ago so my siblings can’t know who I am anymore. My wife knows me better than anyone but there are still hidden crevices that remain unexplored.

Can we ever know our true selves? The voice in our head only tells us what we want to hear. Perhaps we’re all just a composite of these others selves. Maybe there’s no real true center. Just a series of funhouse mirror reflections.


When I was a kid, we never had a nice car. My dad bought a series of junkers that were ‘great deals.’ They were broken-down wrecks on their last legs. Rolling scrap metal. Time bombs. One car had a rusted-out hole in the floor. You could see the road speeding by underneath. We used to fight over who got to sit over the hole and watch the road. We finally had to get rid of it because we were on a freeway and the carpet caught on fire. The car filled with smoke.

Another time, my mom was driving the four of us kids to grandma’s house. While speeding down Fulton Street, the front axle snapped in half. We saw a tire rolling down the road and thought it was the funniest thing until we realized it came off of our car. We could have been killed.

Over the weekend we bought a brand new car. It’s a mid-sized SUV with only 96 miles on the odometer. A big, suburban snooze-mobile. 12-year old daughter expressed mild disappointment that we didn’t get the limited edition with second row captain’s chairs and leather trim interior. Can you imagine?!