If I had known that Citibank and other major lending institutions were going to offer to restructure mortgages for people who were on the threshold of default, I would have bought a bigger house than I could afford that’s a lot closer to the city so I wouldn’t have this insufferable commute. As it is, I stayed within my budget and had to settle for a smaller home that’s a lot further out than I would have liked. Stupid me. I am also dumb enough to pay off my credit card every month, so I’ll probably miss out on the [probable] debt relief that will be offered to consumers who are drowning in credit card debt. There’s nothing worse than a lost opportunity. Don’t you agree?

Is that paragraph dripping with enough sarcasm for you? I was channel surfing the other night and stopped to watch the Suzy Orman financial advice show for a few minutes. The caller was a woman who had $16K to her name, but wanted to spend $30K on a wedding. Now, ain’t that America? What a bunch of big spoiled babies we are.

WE WANT.

If you’re reading this and you have a broken heart, I have some comforting words for you. Talk radio maniac Howard Stern was interviewing ex-New York Giants football player Lawrence Taylor. Stern wanted to know why Taylor would marry a third time, since his two previous marriages ended in divorce. The messy demise of both marriages had been well documented by the New York tabloids.

Stern: Is she super-hot? Is that it? And you didn’t want to lose her? So you married her?

Taylor: You know, sometimes you don’t want to lose someone but then, later on, you find out that you don’t give a shit if you lose them or not.

This is what’s known as taking the long view. If someone hurt you and you are blue, if that person is the first thing you think about in the morning and the last thing you think about before you drift off to sleep at night, you should take comfort in the fact that you could have, quite conceivably, dodged a bullet.

How I wished for you and now you’re here.
Now I wish that I could disappear and go away.

Peter Allen

The ice skating rink at Bryant Park—New York City’s only FREE ice skating rink—is open for business. From now until mid-January, you can skate in the shadow of the Empire State Building and the Public Library.

I don’t participate in winter sports. I tried skiing for a few years in high school but it seems the focus was more on how much weed you can smoke on the chair lift than honing your downhill skills. Consequently, I never advanced past snow plowing. Plus, I never had the proper equipment or clothing so the sport never took. I’ve never been on ice skates either, but I do enjoy watching the skaters at Bryant Park.

On Friday, Barack Obama gave his first press conference. There’s a television in the lobby at Benevolent Dictators, Inc. It plays the business news all day but broke for the press conference. When it started, everyone got up from their desk and went into the lobby to listen. Everyone. Even the people who didn’t vote for him (and at Benevolent Dictators, Inc., there are quite a few).

I couldn’t remember the last time people gathered around a TV to watch a George Bush press conference. Come to think of it, I can’t recall President Bush ever giving a traditional press conference whereby he made a statement and then took questions from reporters. So this was a real treat. And I don’t believe people were watching and thinking to themselves, “Oh, there’s our new black President.” I think they were concentrating on the content of the conference with little thought about the pigment of his skin. At least, that’s my Pollyanna wish.

Me: Big yawn.

7-Year Old Daughter: Yawns. Dad, yawns are contagious.

Me: That’s true and nobody knows why.

7-YOD: I think I know why. When someone yawns, the yawn flies out of their mouth and goes up the nose of someone else and makes them yawn.

That’s not possible, right? Because I find that disgusting.