R.I.P. Dolemite

Posted on October 22, 2008 by Exile on Pain Street

Cleveland, my home town, is mourning the passing of ex-Clevelander Rudy Ray Moore. He played Dolemite in the 1975 blaxploitation film of the same name and its sequels, The Human Tornado in 1976, The Dolemite Explosion and the 1994 documentary The Legend of Dolemite.

In his New York Times film review, John Leland said: Dolemite remains the ‘Citizen Kane’ of kung fu pimping movies. That’s high praise, indeed! If you have a free moment and are in need of some spiritual uplift, read this obit. It’ll restore your faith.

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Speaking of pimps: I never get sick of watching Napoleon Dynamite when it plays on Comedy Central. Is that something I should be ashamed of?

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The Tampa Bay Rays defeated the Boston Red Sox and will play in the World Series. What a shame. A dull team representing a dull city. Tampa Bay: God’s waiting room.

Mind Meld

Posted on October 20, 2008 by Exile on Pain Street

7-Year Old Daughter had the day off from school so I took a vacation day and brought her into the city. The brainwashing program that I have been developing since her birth is officially underway. My intention is to raise her with the notion that New York City is not a loud, foul, occasionally dangerous place (which it is). Rather, I would have her grow up believing that the city is filled with opportunity and hidden beauty.

We went to the Museum of Modern Art for the Van Gough and the Colors of the Night exhibit. It’s a series of paintings whereby Van Gough uses light to convey night. It’s a fairly small show—about 30 paintings in four galleries—and it was PACKED. Van Gough always draws a big crowd. I had to pick her up on a few occasions so she could see the paintings over the heads of the crowd. She was able to name Starry Night on sight, which is a good sign.

My favorite was The Sower with its green luminescent sky.

I met Sharon there. She’s an artist. I have always advocated visiting an art museum with an artist in tow because that way, you get your ignorant ass schooled. She spoke of brush stroke techniques, history and influences. Daughter got much more out of the trip than if I had brought her by myself.

Here she is trying to make sense of Pollock’s drip masterpiece.

Here, I’m trying to convince her that although painting a soup can is not difficult from a technical standpoint, successfully convincing people that it’s legitimate art is an innovation.

After the museum, I fed Daughter her very first New York City dirty water hot dog. I know what you’re thinking, but I had to do it. It’s part of my brainwashing program. Nurse H met us for lunch. She always makes a big fuss over Daughter. Daughter, being a megalomaniac, is always especially pleased to see her. I wish I could spend my days doing stuff like this and not waste so much precious time chained to a desk doing work that is only occasionally inspiring. My plight is not unique. It’s part of the human condition.

Come N’ Get It

Posted on October 19, 2008 by Exile on Pain Street

Here’s what you can order at Wildwood Barbecue on Park Avenue and 18th St.

For real. All you need to do is call a couple of days ahead of time and cough up either $400 or $650 (depending on how big of a pig you need) and they’ll wheel this bad boy right up to your table and carve it in front of you and your horrified guests. It’s got an apple in its mouth and two cherry tomatoes in its eye sockets. You can’t see it in this pic but the tongue is hanging out of its mouth.

Look, I’m a meat eater and I always will be, but when I saw this photo in this week’s Time Out New York, I almost heaved into my keyboard. I can eat bacon and pork chops because it doesn’t look like a pig. A juicy porterhouse doesn’t look like a cow. But this? Eww. No, thank you.

Slow Fast

Posted on October 18, 2008 by Exile on Pain Street

I was told to fast for 24 hours. Doctors orders. It actually stretched to about 36 hours but it felt like it went on forever. It just about darn near killed me, although it certainly shouldn’t have. Jews fast for Yom Kippur. Muslims fast for Ramadan. Every summer, C fasts for 10 days. She has nothing but liquids for 10 friggin’days. An untold number of people go to bed hungry every night.

I tried to think of the last time I went 36 hours without eating and realized I never have. Ever! Isn’t that astonishing?

Do you know what else I learned? I learned that I’m a big baby. Right around hour 20 I got very cranky and felt the world was a cruel and unfair place to live. What a whiner! During the lunch hour my brother called and started eating a bag of Doritos over the phone. On purpose. To be funny. I was allowed to eat Jell-O. A cup of Jell-O in midtown Manhattan costs $1.95. $2.11 with tax. Upon completion of my fast I drove at a very high rate of speed to the nearest KFC. I almost crashed through the front door. I broke my fast in finger lickin’ style. Ahhh.

Zombies Take Manhattan!

Posted on October 17, 2008 by Exile on Pain Street

Preparatory to Halloween, the fourth annual ZombieCon takes place on Saturday in Manhattan. Participants roam the streets of midtown dressed as zombies.

According to ZombieCon curator Irene Kaoru Malatesta, My all-time favorite might be zombie Charlie Brown—he carried a handmade thought bubble that said simply, ‘Grief.’

You can see some real zombies any day of the year just by taking a stroll through the Port Authority bus terminal. Zombies are cool. Who doesn’t love zombies?