There’s a pretty girl who works out in my gym. She works out hard and she’s not quiet about it. Whenever she lifts a heavy weight or tries to stand with an iron bar resting across her shoulders or tightens her abs on one of the many torture devices, she makes little sounds.

Ungh. Ungh. Ungh.

The sound is born from her battle against gravity, but if you close your eyes (as I often do) it sounds like something else.

Ungh. Ungh. Ungh.

Sometimes, if I’m feeling a bit blue and I’m hating the gym, I’ll quickly revamp my routine so that I workout in close proximity to her. It lifts my spirits.

* * *

Tell me ladies, do you guys hack and clear your sinuses while in the shower? The PUBLIC shower? You can’t imagine how many times I have to listen to some slob expel while showering. CCCkkkkggghhhkkk. Ptu. And after that, each sinus. It’s sickening. What is wrong with men?

* * *

Look, buddy, I don’t mind chatting in the locker room. I talk a pretty good game and I can fake like I know a thing or two about the equity markets or the intricacies of turning a double play. But for CHRIST’S SAKE, either wrap a towel around yourself or put some underwear on. Don’t stand there and chat with your pathetic Johnson hanging out. It makes me sick.

* * *

People who text while sitting on the equipment during peak hours deserve to have a 30 pound plate dropped on their testicles/ovaries. Leave your goddamn cell phone in your locker. Idiots.

Should I go to the gym before work or sit in Central Park, have a cup of coffee and a blueberry muffin and read a few blogs?

Should I go to the gym before work or sit in Central Park, have a cup of coffee and a blueberry muffin and read a few blogs?

Should I go to the gym before work or sit in Central Park, have a cup of coffee and a blueberry muffin and read a few blogs?

The sound of one hand clapping.

About four months ago I submitted my blog to be critiqued by an outfit called Ask and Ye Shall Receive. They are a group of bloggers who will give you an honest assessment of what’s right and what’s wrong with your blog.

They are brutally honest and, as you know, brutal honesty can sting. They try to warn you ahead of time. The URL is “I will fucking tear you apart dot com.” In the submission guidelines you are warned that in reviewing your blog, there’s a chance that they’re “going to rip you a new hole to shit through.”

However, within those barbs are some very useful suggestions on how to make your blog better. And God knows I need as much help as I can get. Your friends won’t tell you your blog is a train wreck, but they will. And they’ll tell you how to fix it.

I made the mistake of dropping my blog into the review queue before actually reading any of their reviews. I’m impulsive like that. So I’ve been waiting in a state of semi-dread since April. I like my blog and these guys can be pretty viscous but I wanted to hear what they had to say.

Here’s their review.

Last week I did a post about a mass corruption sting operation here in New Jersey that netted 44 people, including three New Jersey mayors, two state assemblyman and five rabbis who are charged with money laundering. This all came about courtesy of an FBI informant, a rabbi who was head of a sect of ultra-Orthadox Syrian Jews. The good rabbi was arrested by the FBI on bank fraud charges and elected to act as an informant in exchange for leniency.

This past week, the informant rabbi’s father spoke emotionally to the congregation about the case. I would have thought the speech to be a meditation on how even men who have devoted themselves to God can fall and a reflection on the corrupting influence money has on society.

Don’t bet on it. The Asbury Park Press reported:

“In what sources describe as an extremely emotional speech at Deal Synagogue July 25, Dwek’s father, Rabbi Isaac Dwek, strongly denounced the act of a Jew informing on other Jews, without specifically mentioning his son.”

Speaking on a Jewish radio program, Sam Hirsch, a lawyer and Former state assemblyman said Dwek “should have been killed” after informing on other Jews.

Apparently, not a word was spoken about the indictments or the crimes committed. As Mrs. Wife astutely noted, “They’re just like the Mob.”

It seems the deeper a person delves into religion and separates themselves from secular society, the more wacked out of their minds they become. They all tell everyone else how to live but they’re above the law. And please, spare me your comments about me being an anti-Semite because I assure you I am equally nauseated by the Christian and Muslim lunatic fringe.

The Catholic church committed sins against its parishioners for which they still haven’t atoned for. The only reason they started to address the problem was because enough victims were hauling their asses into court and successfully suing them. Otherwise, it’d still be going on. And we here in New York are all too familiar with what Muslim extremism can lead to.

Religion. Feh. Go with God.