Look what’s become of my poor cell phone jammer.

These things are so fragile. It’s not like I slam it around or anything like that. This is the second unit I’ve purchased. The three prongs at the top bend out of place very easily. There’s an even more powerful unit available (it’s a bit more expensive than the $38 I paid for this one), but the prongs on that model look even more frail than this one.

A battle-hardened soldier. I like it. It looks MEAN.

United States: illegal to operate, manufacture, import, or offer for sale, including advertising (Communications Act of 1934), with fines of up to $11,000 and imprisonment of up to one year.

In the UK, you can own a cell phone jammer, but it’s illegal to use it. C’mon, England. Don’t be so naive. What do you think these things are for? Decorative wall sculpture?

The good news is that they are completely legal to own and operate in Armenia.

I answered a subpoena and visited the City of New York District Attorney’s office thinking I was going to testify in front of a Grand Jury.

Unbeknownst to me, the Assistant District Attorney decided she wasn’t ready to present the case to the Grand Jury just yet. There were some loose ends she needed to tie up. Apparently, this is a fairly large grand larceny case and they didn’t want to leave anything to chance. My appearance turned into an interview (interrogation is too strong a word to use) with the ADA, two NYPD Detectives and a DA flunky.

I was amongst about a dozen witnesses who are connected to this case. We sat on hard wooden benches in a small hallway and waited our turn to be interviewed. Small talk was exhausted fairly quickly. I got there at 9:30 a.m. and wasn’t called in to interview until 1:30.

I was finally escorted into the DA’s government-issued office (i.e., no wood paneling or stately views of downtown Manhattan. Just blue/grey painted walls and cheap metal furniture.). When I sat in the hot seat, the ADA said, “This is the guy I’ve been waiting to meet.”

Pour quoi? I wondered.

Apparently, amongst the dozen or so witnesses, I am the only person who is able to identify the one of the thieves on site. I’m the only one who actually caught him in the act and stepped forward. The thieves stole from gym locker rooms and since it’s illegal to have cameras in public locker rooms, there is no video evidence. I’m all they’ve got.

I’ve always wanted to distinguish myself from the commoners, but this isn’t what I had in mind.

I was told that should this case go to trial (a likelihood, at this point) I would be their key witness. I have to let them know if I leave town. I was assured that there is no danger.

I didn’t bring my cell phone jammer with me because I knew that in order to get inside the New York County District Attorney’s Office I’d have to pass through a metal detector. The District Attorney’s office is the LAST place I wanted to get caught with a potentially illegal device. I had to suffer the cell phone calls of fools on the train back to New Jersey.

Here’s how bad it’s gotten: While waiting for my track number to post, if someone nearby is participating in a particularly loud and noxious cell phone call, I’ll follow him/her onto my train, sit directly behind them and make sure that he/she doesn’t make the ride unpleasant for my fellow passengers. Studies (my studies) have shown that improper cell phone use in the train station ALWAYS translates to improper use once on board the train.

Please don’t judge me. My motivations, believe it or not, are completely altruistic.

A man walked onto the train, took a seat three rows up from me, popped a Blutooth into his ear and started yammering about market conditions. Do you know how loud you have to talk when using a Blutooth? It was unreal. The woman sitting next to me started to gather her bags to move to another car.

“I have to leave. This guy is going to talk on the phone until we get to New York.”
“No, he’s not. Do you know what this does?”
“No way! Does that really work?”
“Watch.”

It was glorious. I was the hero. It takes a certain kind of person to use a Blutooth on a train. It’s the same kind of person who would actually stamp its foot in anger after his call was dropped for the third time.

After that foot stomp, a passenger sitting in the row in front of us slowly raises his hand above the seat back and gave me a thumbs-up. He overheard my boast and approved.

I shouldn’t be so cavalier. What if the guy sitting in front of me was a Verizon executive? What if the guy using the Bluetooth participates in Extreme Wrestling matches?

A woman became so frustrated at the number of dropped calls on the train that she got her Verizon bill out of her purse, called customer service and started screaming at them. Do you know what? I let her finish that call.

I’ve had limited success with my cell phone jammer on city buses but on trains, it can’t be beat! Does anyone else have one of these things? If so, does it work for you on buses?

I was hitting doubles with my cell phone jammer on the train in. With one flick of a switch I was zapping the cell phone calls of both the yappy 19ish year old girl with an urban attitude sitting directly behind me AND the sideways baseball cap-wearing thug sitting in the row behind her. They were both cursing up a blue streak and getting good and angry. I, on the other hand, was feeling much better about the train ride.

They suddenly realized they were each having the same problem. They compared devices and cursed their carriers (his: Verizon, hers: AT&T) for having such wretched service so close to the city. They were drawn together by a common enemy (technology) and by the time we pulled into Newark, they had exchanged phone numbers. For all I know, they’re in the process of becoming under-aged parents as I type this! How about that! They put their phones down and made human contact. I’m a regular cupid.

I had a live one on the train home. My cell phone jammer was carrying a full charge, so it was causing major disruptions in service when switched on. She didn’t stand a chance, the poor dear. She restarted her Blackberry three times, finally lost her temper and—I’m not making this up—started to bang it against the train window.

“…but I want to talk RIGHT NOW!”

Waaaaaa. Where’s my ba-ba? I want my blankee. It was delicious. It was the best one yet. It was better than the guy who held his head near the floor of the train to get better reception.

Am I the only one on the planet who finds Mozilla Firefox unstable? Am I the freak?