If you’re reading this and you have a broken heart, I have some comforting words for you. Talk radio maniac Howard Stern was interviewing ex-New York Giants football player Lawrence Taylor. Stern wanted to know why Taylor would marry a third time, since his two previous marriages ended in divorce. The messy demise of both marriages had been well documented by the New York tabloids.

Stern: Is she super-hot? Is that it? And you didn’t want to lose her? So you married her?

Taylor: You know, sometimes you don’t want to lose someone but then, later on, you find out that you don’t give a shit if you lose them or not.

This is what’s known as taking the long view. If someone hurt you and you are blue, if that person is the first thing you think about in the morning and the last thing you think about before you drift off to sleep at night, you should take comfort in the fact that you could have, quite conceivably, dodged a bullet.

How I wished for you and now you’re here.
Now I wish that I could disappear and go away.

Peter Allen

The ice skating rink at Bryant Park—New York City’s only FREE ice skating rink—is open for business. From now until mid-January, you can skate in the shadow of the Empire State Building and the Public Library.

I don’t participate in winter sports. I tried skiing for a few years in high school but it seems the focus was more on how much weed you can smoke on the chair lift than honing your downhill skills. Consequently, I never advanced past snow plowing. Plus, I never had the proper equipment or clothing so the sport never took. I’ve never been on ice skates either, but I do enjoy watching the skaters at Bryant Park.

On Friday, Barack Obama gave his first press conference. There’s a television in the lobby at Benevolent Dictators, Inc. It plays the business news all day but broke for the press conference. When it started, everyone got up from their desk and went into the lobby to listen. Everyone. Even the people who didn’t vote for him (and at Benevolent Dictators, Inc., there are quite a few).

I couldn’t remember the last time people gathered around a TV to watch a George Bush press conference. Come to think of it, I can’t recall President Bush ever giving a traditional press conference whereby he made a statement and then took questions from reporters. So this was a real treat. And I don’t believe people were watching and thinking to themselves, “Oh, there’s our new black President.” I think they were concentrating on the content of the conference with little thought about the pigment of his skin. At least, that’s my Pollyanna wish.

Me: Big yawn.

7-Year Old Daughter: Yawns. Dad, yawns are contagious.

Me: That’s true and nobody knows why.

7-YOD: I think I know why. When someone yawns, the yawn flies out of their mouth and goes up the nose of someone else and makes them yawn.

That’s not possible, right? Because I find that disgusting.

Currently at the SoHo Rep, you can pay $65 per ticket to sit through a drama where following events are acted out on stage:

A scene opens with a woman in a fetal position on a bed. She unfolds her body to reveal blood between her legs, the result of a bite from her menacing lover.

A man violently rapes another man while holding a revolver to his head.

After the rape, he sucks out his eyeballs and eats them.

The play is Blasted by Sarah Kane, a British playwright who, at 23, committed suicide. With all that darkness rattling around inside her head, it’s no shock that she met with an untimely end.

Surprisingly, (or, perhaps not) the entire run is sold out. There is a nightly queue for cancellations. People are clamoring for tickets. I wouldn’t go for free. I can certainly handle heavy drama. That’s not the issue. But no matter how compelling the plot is, I can’t help thinking that the violence depicted is just as gratuitous as that in Saw or any of the other torture porn films. It’s not for me.

Critics and audiences are hailing the dramatic and courageous performances of the three actors involved. The lead actress said that the preparations, “messed with my head.” Yea, no kidding. I think all the posturing by critics is load of horseshit. They’re just voyeurs, whether they want to admit it to themselves or not.

As Randy Newman sang in A Few Words in Defense of Our Country:

But wait, here’s one, the Spanish Inquisition
They put people in a terrible position
I don’t even like to think about it

Well, sometimes I like to think about it

Someone pinch me so I know I’m awake.

Let’s pause a moment to reflect on those two fine stewards of the Republican Party: George Bush and Dick Cheney. Those fellas have left the GOP decimated. Do you know how many post-election Republican Congressmen there are in the Northeast United States? NIL. Zero. Nyet. They’ve all been run out of office, including, unfortunately, the moderates.

I’m a centrist. I don’t like the idea of a one-party system. Bill Clinton had a successful Presidency because after he came into office, he gravitated towards the center and co-opted some planks from the Republican platform. Yesterday, I voted for the Republican candidate for New Jersey Senator because I felt he was a stronger candidate. All that’s left in office for the GOP are the hardcore lunatic fringe—the very people who caused a mass exodus to the Democrats.

Thanks, George. Thanks, Dick. Don’t let the door of history hit you in the ass on your way out of town.