One of the great pleasures in my life is the Sunday New York Times. I don’t know what the hell happened to me. I use to drive drunk, have unprotected sex and smoke a ton of weed. Now, all I need is a sunny Sunday morning in my back yard, a cup of coffee, a Hostess Suzy Q and the Sunday Times and I’m a happy man. I’m sure I’m a big disappointment to my pals back in Cleveland.

The best, best part of the Sunday Times is the Arts & Leisure section (aka Farts & Seizures). I just love it. But in August, the entertainment community is away on holiday and there isn’t much to write about. Things are so dead right now that the big front page feature article in today’s Arts & Leisure section is a long tome on the resurrection of Tom Arnold’s stand-up career. I’m not kidding. Also, you’ll find long captivating articles on the new Chris Kattan TV series and a feature on the “First Ladies of Screwball Comedy.”

Holy shit, man. Who cares about any of that?

Come to think of it, it makes for a pretty goddamn boring blog post, as well. Sorry, folks. Go back to what you were doing.

* * *

Actually, as long as I’m being judgmental tonight…Why am I so happy that this movie bombed?

I’ve got nothing against romantic comedies. Who doesn’t like Groundhog Day? Mrs. Wife and I watch Love Actually every Christmas and I usually get kinda choked up during Colin Firth’s restaurant proposal.

But this ad has a stench coming off of it.

“Oh, look at me! I holding up a red cardboard heart! I’m looking for love! love! love! You can tell by my red cardboard heart!”

“And I have a red cardboard heart covering my penis! Tee-hee! I just want to get laid but I’ll learn a valuable lesson about relationships and feelings!”

Sitting through this would be like swallowing your own vomit.

The first time I saw this ad I thought that the movie was probably going to be pretty awful and sure enough, the reviews came out and everyone said it was junk. Maybe if the reviewers keep labeling junk like this junk, Hollywood would stop producing cynical junk like this.

Maybe not. Now, that’s the ugly truth.

I was navigating my way across a crowded 42nd Street and through the beautiful madness of Grand Central Station and my iPod shuffle, freak show that it is, selected Five O’Clock World by The Vogues. Do you know this song? It’s a great example of 60’s American pop and exactly what you’d want to hear on your way to work. The iPod shuffle scares me a little bit.

Up every morning just to keep a job
I gotta fight my way through the hustling mob
Sounds of the city pounding in my brain
While another day goes down the drain

But its a five o’clock world when the whistle blows
No one owns a piece of my time
And there’s a five o’clock me inside my clothes
Thinking that the world looks fine, yeah

The Manhattan skyline blew my mind the first time
We went down to the scene of the crime
Lookin’ for the soul of America

Those are Ian Hunter’s lyrics.

Ian Hunter is a British 70’s B-list glam rocker who was the lead singer/songwriter for Mott the Hoople. They had a big hit with All the Young Dudes, which was written by 70’s A-list glam rocker David Bowie. Andy Mackay, saxophone player from 70’s (A? B?)-list glam rockers Roxy Music played the searing sax solo on Mott the Hoople’s hit All the Way From Memphis.

Hunter also had a fairly successful solo career. 80’s hair band Great White scored a minor hit with a cover of his Once Bitten Twice Shy which was, not surprisingly, not as good as the original, and his Cleveland Rocks was the title song for The Drew Carey Show.

When I was a teen, Mott the Hoople was one of the bands I idolized. My fascination with all things British started at an early age. Additionally, Hunter has incorporated his love of New York City into several of his songs, which has endeared him to me even more as the years peeled away.

Recently, I got to see him perform at a free outdoor concert in Manhattan. It was part of the River to River Festival. The Festival is an annual NYC summer event that offers free concerts, plays and readings in parks along the Hudson and East Rivers.

When Mott the Hoople was touring, I was too young and too broke to ever see them perform. Watching him perform Central Park n’ West with Manhattan as the backdrop made my 15-year old glam-rock heart sing. Just look at him. The glam is long gone but the music remains.

I won’t grow up,
(I won’t grow up)
I don’t want to wear a tie.
(I don’t want to wear a tie)
And a serious expression
(And a serious expression)
In the middle of July.
(In the middle of July)

Yup. That’s me on my skateboard riding next to 7-Year Old Daughter on her scooter. I can still ride a skateboard as though the devil were twisting my tail. Those of you who know how old I am will look upon me with either admiration for having retained my dexterity so late in life, or sadness for being in denial about my advanced age.

Daughter said I committed a “safety violation” by not wearing a helmet and that I owed her 10 cents. I am policed by everyone.

A tip o’ the hat to Mrs. Wife for taking such fine shots.

Monday morning. I get into my car, back it out of the driveway and turn the radio on.

click

…Palin stepped down as Governor of Alaska…

click

…with three gunshot wounds to the chest…

click

Longer than there’ve been fishes in the ocean
Higher than any bird ever flew
Longer than there’ve been stars up in the heavens
I’ve been in love with you.

BARF. click

…which makes nine out of 10 victories for the surging Yankees…

click

…with heavy downpours expected…

click

And then, seriously,

Tell me why
I don’t like Mondays