Not by matted hair,
by clan, or by birth,
is one a brahmin.
Whoever has truth
& rectitude:
he is a pure one,
he, a brahmin.
What’s the use of your matted hair,
you dullard?
What’s the use of your deerskin cloak?
The tangle’s inside you.
You comb the outside.
-Dhammapada, 26, translated by Thanissaro Bhikkhu
Warren Zevon is one of the best and most underappreciated lyricists that this country has ever spit out. To wit: (Stick with this. It starts off good and it achieves greatness.)
Mr. Bad Example
I started as an altar boy, working at the church
Learning all my holy moves, doing some research
Which led me to a cash box, labeled “Children’s Fund”
I’d leave the change, and tuck the bills inside my cummerbund
I got a part-time job at my father’s carpet store
Laying tackless stripping, and housewives by the score
I loaded up their furniture, and took it to Spokane
And auctioned off every last naugahyde divan
I’m very well acquainted with the seven deadly sins
I keep a busy schedule trying to fit them in
I’m proud to be a glutton, and I don’t have time for sloth
I’m greedy, and I’m angry, and I don’t care who I cross
I’m Mr. Bad Example, intruder in the dirt
I like to have a good time, and I don’t care who gets hurt
I’m Mr. Bad Example, take a look at me
I’ll live to be a hundred, and go down in infamy
Of course I went to law school and took a law degree
And counseled all my clients to plead insanity
Then worked in hair replacement, swindling the bald
Where very few are chosen, and fewer still are called
Then on to Monte Carlo to play chemin de fer
I threw away the fortune I made transplanting hair
I put my last few francs down on a prostitute
Who took me up to her room to perform the flag salute
Whereupon I stole her passport and her wig
And headed for the airport and the midnight flight, you dig?
And fourteen hours later I was down in Adelaide
Looking through the want ads sipping Fosters in the shade
I opened up an agency somewhere down the line
To hire Aboriginals to work the opal mines
But I attached their wages and took a whopping cut
And whisked away their workman’s comp and pauperized the lot
I’m Mr. Bad Example (etc.)
I bought a first class ticket on Malaysian Air
And landed in Sri Lanka none the worse for wear
I’m thinking of retiring from all my dirty deals
I’ll see you in the next life, wake me up for meals
My God! That contains more plot and imagery than a typical Michael Bay film. He even worked in a clever rhyme for chemin de fer, for cryin’ out loud! The song has no bridge. He just keeps slamming you with one great chorus after another and throws in two refrains. Nothing is more refreshing than a great song about something other than heartache. The last thing this world needs is yet another weepy ballad from a Sensitive Singer Songwriter. Barf. They are almost always dull and disappointing.
As long as I’m holding class today, if you really want to treat yourself to a big, satisfying slice of 60’s pop pie, go into iTunes and grab a copy of “Five O’Clock World” by The Vogues. The disjointed note sequence played on an acoustic guitar in the song’s intro will stay with you for the rest of the day. Every time I hear it, I wonder how they were able to come out of it and craft a song, but they did. The tune itself borrows from Sam Cooke’s “Chain Gang,” which fits in perfectly with the theme of having to survive the 9 to 5 grind. Class dismissed.
I was making the bed and minding 2-year old daughter who was on the other side of the room when I heard a thump and something being dragged across the rug. I thought it prudent to investigate. I turned a corner and saw that she had reached up, pulled my first edition of “Ask The Dust” by John Fante—the one that’s inscribed by Fante in 1939—the year of publication—to the book reviewer of the L.A. Times and is worth, quite literally, thousands of dollars—off my bookshelf, opened the custom made leather clamshell box, took the book out, removed the protective mylar covering from the pristine dust jacket, opened the book and was playing with the black and white publicity photo of Fante that’s laid into it. I got woozy. My knees started to buckle and everything turned white. I dived. There was a puff of smoke where I once stood. I grabbed the book and photo out of her hand with such velocity and force that I startled her. Her face went blank, then flush, then she let out a wail. I didn’t mean to scare her. I should probably take a more Zen approach to life and not be so attached to material things, but when it comes to my books, I have the serenity of an infant. She’d better watch herself. Next time I might lose control.
Take a look at this Jersey Shore citadel of culture and dining.
This place was opened in 1954 and is much the same today as it was then. The diner is round. Like a circus tent. Get it? And take a look at this interior.
My goodness! Isn’t that just beautiful! I had a grilled pork roll and cheese on rye with fries. Don’t know what pork roll is? Well, I’m not going to tell you. You’ll just have to drive/fly/crawl to the Jersey Shore and find out for yourself. This place is pure Americana and even a cynical old curmudgeon like myself is susceptible to its charm. Now, where’d I pack my bong?
I met J after work. She and I went down to Chinatown for dinner. The food is cheap and the show is free. I met her at Rockefeller Center where she works. I got there early so I could wander around inside and look at the murals. They’re nice. I use to work at Rockefeller Center. That place is an art deco masterpiece, but the cheap bastards at Benevolent Dictators, Inc. didn’t want to spend so much for rent so we moved to a dull nondescript cracker box on 5th Avenue. I miss it, that’s for sure.
I haven’t been in Chinatown for a very long time and I’m happy to report that the economic boom that changed the character of even the most unlikely neighborhoods, like the Lower East Side, didn’t touch Chinatown. It is much the same as I ever remember it being.
We got off the beaten path (meaning Mott St.) and ate at a primo Vietnamese restaurant on Doyers St. Doyers St. is a dark, narrow alley with a bend in it. It looks like a movie set. The restaurant is located across the street from the Toy Apple Beauty Barber Saloon (sic). I gorged myself on fried spring rolls, spring rolls with shrimp and crab meat, chicken satay and some of J’s pork with glass noodles and mint leaves. We each had a bottle of Tsingtao and she had an iced pressed coffee with condensed milk. It was all delicious and the bill was $35.16. Not each. Total. You can’t beat it.
J is also in exile from the city and misses it as much as I do. We like to imagine the city in a flattering light that has no basis in reality. It’s easy to romanticize a place and time and forget the day-to-day grind of it all. After dinner we walked up Mott, over to and up Mulberry, across Broome through Soho to Varick and took the number 1 at Varick and King. We sat on a bench in front of Balthazar in Soho and I showed her my cell phone videos of daughters No. 1 and 2 dancing in my living room. After that, we got out my cell phone jammer and ended the phone calls of passers by who we thought might be assholes. We’re pretty good at sizing people up just based on the way they look. Eurotrash was an automatic ding and, this being Soho in front of Balthazar, there were plenty of them. I ended the call of a girl who looked like she might be having some serious problems and J yelled at me. I get carried away with that thing sometimes.
I got a late train home. Penn Station at that hour makes me sick. I went into the men’s room and saw one bum clearing his nose into the sink and another bum right next to him rinsing off a baloney sandwich. It was depressing. I know “bum” is a derogatory term, but it feels appropriate.
Exile on Pain Street 