Last week’s Impressionist auction at Christie’s met with limited success. Degas’ Little Dancer failed to sell. The experts feel the $25 million estimate was too aggressive. Many of the lots didn’t sell. It’s the economy, stupid!

So we move from the sublime to the ridiculous. The Contemporary Art auctions will be held this week. There are a few interesting lots but I have chosen to focus on the pieces that I simply don’t understand. They strike me as preposterous and the estimates make me dizzy.

I’m probably going to catch some hell for this. This is Untitled by Jean-Michel Basquiat who I cannot stand. This is a terrible piece. It’s infantile scribbling. Basquiat helped legitimize graffiti as an art form. The people who deemed graffiti “art” lived uptown and didn’t have to look at it every day while walking to the corner bodega for a quart of milk. It got old. Take my word for it. And stupidly throwing your successful life/career away on a heroin overdose is inexcusable. Estimate: $900,000-1,200,000. Sold for $2,546,500.

This is 6765 by Mario Merz. 85 stacks of aging newspapers with glass plates and neon tubes. Actually, I saw something just like this last weekend at the town recycling center. Estimate: $750,000-950,000. Sold for $1,426,500.

Flowers, Mary’s Table by de Kooning. I don’t like ANYTHING de Kooning did. It’s noise. This piece gave me a headache just by walking past it. Ready for this? Estimate: $8,000,000-12,000,000. Totally worth it. Did not sell.

Another head-scratcher. One and Three Coats by Joseph Kosuth is a photograph of a leather coat, the leather coat and the definition of coat. Again, I ask, where is the artistic merit in this? And where would you proudly display it? Estimate: $140,000-180,000. Sold for $146,500.

We went to Costco today, which is always a horrific experience for me. I think we needed some soap but ended up spending $171.83 on impulse purchases mostly instigated by ME. Did I really need that big plastic jug of chocolate covered almonds? It seemed pretty important at the time. I walk up and down the aisles like a goddamn zombie.

I am easily distracted. If I spot a shiny object out of the corner of my eye, I’ll wander off to examine it, leaving dear family behind. Sometimes, I’ll be sampling some Italian sausage or mac and cheese, look up and discover that I’m all alone. I had to phone Mrs. Wife TWICE to locate them. It’s a big, scary, crowded place!

After locating everyone the second time, 9-Year Old Daughter handed me this note as a reminder to pay attention to my surroundings.

This week is the start of the fall auction season here in New York. Christie’s and Sotheby’s are holding big, BIG Impressionist and Modern auctions. As is longstanding tradition, all lots are put on display a few days prior to the auction. It’s always been important for me to try and visit the auction houses and view the works before they’re sold. They’re like great museum shows except you can buy stuff. These are pieces that were held in private hands and after the auction will disappear back into private hands, where they will never be seen by the public (i.e., me) again.

I’m lucky enough to work just a few blocks away from Christie’s, so I popped over on my lunch hour. Here are a few lots that I would love to own, but never will for obvious reasons. Please take a minute and really meditate on the estimates. Try to grasp the astronomical amount of cash that these works might sell for. It boggles the mind! The first painting is being sold in London and the estimate is in British Pounds. Also, the quality of the pics isn’t that great. The lighting wasn’t optimal and you can only do so much with a cell phone camera.

Part 2 will be a post of art for sale that boggles the mind for a different reason.

Here’s a lovely, thick van Gogh that’s estimated to sell for £5,000,000 – 7,000,000. Remember, van Gogh died broke, having sold only one painting to his brother.

I became a bigger fan of Mark Rothko after I saw Alfred Molina play him on stage. The play, Red, gave me a better understanding of his work and his creative process. Estimate: $18,000,000 – $25,000,000.

How would this Matisse look hanging in your parlor? Estimate: $4,000,000 – $6,000,000. I think I remember a storyline in Doonsbury whereby Zonker won the lottery and spent all the money on a Monet. He ruined it by spilling mayonnaise on it. If I had this Matisse, I’d probably do something like that.

Here’s one of Andy’s Liz’s! Pretty lips. Estimate: $16,000,000 – $19,000,000.

Margaret Thatcher once called Francis Bacon, “That horrible man.” That’s good enough for me! I especially like Bacon’s sinister painting of the Pope. I had to take this photo on an angle because of the glare from the glass. Estimate: $12,000,000 – $18,000,000.

Finally, here’s the crown jewel of the auction. One of Degas’ little dancer statues. You don’t see many of these come out on the open market!

9-Year Old Daughter has been in love with this statue for a long time and I’m sure she’d like to see it adorn bedroom. At bedtime, I used to read a children’s book to her about the little girl who posed for the statue. I think the story was contrived but it did serve to endear her to the statue.

When The Daughter turns the corner and sees her at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, it’s like she’s seeing a long, lost friend. Estimate: $25,000,000 – $35,000,000!!

Cell phones are here to stay. I’m trying not to sound dramatic but I think that, for many people, giving up their cell phone would be akin to kicking heroin. They are permanently weaved into the fabric of society, so should I just accept them. [By the way, I think that the UK/Euro “mobile” phone is a far more apt term. We should adapt it here.]

But vent, I must.

On my way out of the city I stumbled across this imbecile. She’s holding a conversation on one phone, while having a separate texting conversation on a second. Why do I let this stuff get under my skin? She’s not bothering me. Proof positive that I am a curmudgeon. You can take the boy out of the city, etc.

I showed these pics to Mrs. Wife and she said, “What’s the big deal? One phone is probably for business and the other is personal.” And I get that. But I see this sort of gadget-overload with increasing frequency and it worries me. What are we turning into? Hasn’t the promise of new technology always been to make our lives easier and set us free? Look at this poor thing! She’s enslaved by technology. She’d probably have a public meltdown if both batteries died simultaneously.

I’m still not very good at meditation, even though I’ve been doing it for a few years. But occasionally, I catch a wave. I can’t tell you how refreshing it is to empty all the noise out of your head and sit in perfect silence, do nothing and, best of all, think nothing. It’s a peace you’ll never experience while juggling cell phone conversations.

As long as I’m on an anti-technology kick…

This has been floating around in the ether for a while now. Have you seen it? It’s a spoof of Facebook users and it’s hysterical. Everyone is reduced to a nice, neat stereotype. Breeder Betsy. Alcoholic Alice. Perfect Pam. etc. Each funny comment is posted by “The Enabler.”

The sad part, the part that resonates with me, is the true part. Let’s face it; reading a book is a lot more work than going on Facebook. But just think of how rich our lives would be if we all put down our gadgets and read more.

Recently, on the way home from the city, I sat next to a guy who spent half the ride scrolling through Facebook and the other half playing games on his phone. He could be reading On The Road. And I’ll bet he’d love it. But Facebook is easier. And after a hard day of counting beans and pushing buttons, who wants to work more?

Do I make fun of the girl above and mock people on Facebook because I’m jealous? I don’t have a Facebook account. I don’t need a website to constantly remind me of how few friends I have. I can count them on one hand and have a few fingers to spare. The girl above is sustaining two conversations. I, on the other hand, got my new phone in May and haven’t bothered to set up my voicemail because I never get any calls. So maybe this is all just a case of simple, human envy.

Perhaps the truth lies somewhere in between.

What’s this, then?! European banks have just agreed to forgive upwards of 50% of Greek debt in order to avoid a Euro meltdown? Isn’t that just rewarding a bunch of lay-about tax dodgers for their bad behavior? Do you suppose I could get JPMorgan Chase to forgive 50% of the principal on my mortgage? Probably not. Foolish me for being responsible.

Didn’t Germany do their due diligence before signing up for the Euro and see that the Grecian lifestyle model couldn’t possibly sustain itself? Why would you marry your currency to a society whose people throw their tax bills in the furnace and close their businesses for months at at time? I see that the Greeks finally got up off their fat, lazy asses to protest austerity measures. Hey, Greece. You’re a bunch of soft babies.

As of this typing, European markets are +5%—an astonishing bump for one day. What do I know? Apparently, nothing.

I was scouring the help wanteds and came across a position that included the following in the description:

Facilitate the transfer of knowledge.

Develop/execute winning pursuit strategies.

What the hell does that even mean?! What a bunch of corporate gobbledygook. I can’t believe I’m trapped in this world. Why the hell didn’t I learn to paint or play guitar or write? ANYTHING to have kept me out of this machine?

5th Avenue as a catwalk. I was visiting the Apple Store on 5th and 59th and stumbled across this cool model shoot. I usually don’t pay any mind to this sort of thing but the gowns were beautiful. I think they might have been wedding gowns. I’m not sure. They were shooting in front of Bergdorf Goodman.

Hey, Pat, does this take you back? The models were striking these crazy poses!

The photographer was standing across 5th Avenue right next to me and had to snap photos between waves of traffic.