o, wretched new jersey

Imagine; a sophisticated New Yorker such as myself trapped amongst the quiet, twisting side streets and emerald parkways of New Jersey. What happened to my city? Where can I turn for fulfillment, now that my Lower East Side apartment is gone? Why, just this past weekend the only thing I had to stimulate me was a trip to the shore on a sun-drenched, blue Saturday afternoon.

The boardwalk teemed with happy people. Laughter mixed with the sound of the ocean crashing on the shore. The beach was dotted with brightly colored umbrellas and you could smell the salt in the sea breeze. We ate beach food for lunch. Beach food is like bar food but much worse, which is to say, much better. Dippin’ Dots, anyone?

We brought 3-Year Old and 7-Year Old to the boardwalk amusement park. I took them for a ride on the toy train. I’m sure they’ll go through stages where they’re at each others throats but for the time being, they are the best of friends.


Sure, it’s cute. But where is the artistry in it? So common it’s cliché. I exercised some of my demons on the bumper cars. I taught 7-Year Old Daughter that you have to earn the title of King of the Bumper Car Highway.


It might look like fun, but how am I supposed to feed my cerebral needs on such meager morsels?

Sunday, another drearily clear, blue day with comfortable temperatures and blazing sun, we all went to a baseball game. There’s minor league park just a short drive away and although I’m certain that a game at a Major League park would prove to be a more intellectually fulfilling experience, this trifle is all I have available to me. 7-Year Old Daughter fruitlessly tried to explain the intricacies of base running to 3-Year Old Daughter.


They had excellent sight lines, but here was my view of home plate:


Another fine specimen from the Garden State. As the afternoon progressed, his neck took on the shade of a ripe tomato and the sweat dripped off of his earlobes.

There’s just nothing out here worth doing. It’s all so ordinary.

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Addendum: I feel compelled to mention that this post is an exercise in sarcasm and my that critiques are purely tongue-in-cheek, in case anyone thought I was bent enough to not realize how good I’ve got it.