I went to mass for Easter. I went for the sake of Mrs. Wife and The Daughters. It’s important to them and I respect that. I even went to communion. 8-Year Old Daughter is receiving her first communion in May and I wanted to set a good example. I’m glad I didn’t burst into flames when the host touched my tongue. That would have sent the wrong message.

Even though I left the church years ago, I still try to keep an open mind and listen hard to the readings and sermons. This was a portion of the gospel reading:

God raised him up the third day, and gave him to be revealed, not to all the people, but to witnesses who were chosen before by God, to us, who ate and drank with him after he rose from the dead.

Acts 10:40-41

If Christ wanted to pave the way for mankind to embrace Christianity, he should have shown Himself to the masses, not just a chosen few. If you had been there, would you have believed them? Would you have taken their word for it? “He’s not dead. But only we’re allowed to see him.” That’s too convenient.

The night before Easter I was watching the annual broadcast of The Ten Commandments with Charlton Heston. (What a ham.) Marking a doorway with lamb’s blood to avoid the wrath of the Angel of Death made no sense to me. Why would they need to do that? If the Angel of Death is an omnipotent spirit, wouldn’t it, by its own supernatural power, know which houses were Hebrew and which were Egyptian? Isn’t doing something worldly like smearing blood on the door superfluous? It’s a good thing the Egyptians didn’t catch on or it would have blown the whole operation.

And commanding Abraham to slay his son to prove his devotion is sadistic and cruel.

I don’t understand any of it. And I attended a parochial school! It all boils down to a very simple equation; you either believe or you don’t.

I paid a visit to the David Zwirner Gallery in Chelsea to view the original drawings from R. Crumb’s latest book, The Book of Genesis Illustrated. All 50 chapters! It was a Friday and the gallery was gloriously empty. I love Crumb’s work. It’s so dense.

Each drawing, some 200+ pages, was arranged sequentially along the perimeter of the gallery as they appear in the book. You could see where Crumb made corrections to some of the drawings with white out. Did you know that in the world of collectors, the less white out used on an illustration, the more valuable it is?

Crumb played it straightforward with this book and didn’t include any of his usual brilliant sarcastic wit and commentary. It’s a studious interpretation that uses text directly quoted from the bible. In perusing the drawings, I couldn’t help noticing how violent and erotic some of the bible stories are.

I asked the gallery attendant if the drawings were for sale. She told me that they can only sold as one lot. That’s so silly! Who would have room to display all of these?

Driving along on a misty gray early New Jersey morning, down winding roads, over smooth hills and banked turns, the telephone poles blur by. It’s quiet. Nobody is out yet. This bucolic scene is broken by a pair of turkey buzzards having their morning road kill breakfast. Yum-yum. Eat-’em-up.

I spent the remainder of my drive trying to think of a proper metaphor. One never materialized. Perhaps that’s a good thing.

I got the news that I was awarded a four-week contract for a project that I interviewed for at a financial institution (see below). I wish it were for a longer period of time but the pay is quite good, so I took it. That’s the upside of working for an investment bank. They tend to pay well and have top-notch equipment. Don’t laugh. There’s nothing more depressing than sitting down to do a project only to find that they’ve stuck you with a beat-to-shit computer that’s running Mac OS 6.

Before I can start I need to submit the following:

• A criminal background check
• A drug test
• A set of fingerprints
• A residential history going back five years
• An employment history going back 10 years

Keep in mind that this is for a four week contract position. Who do they think they are!? I guess investment banks are tired of being burned by rogue employees and CEOs. They need to be cautious. I could be a brilliant criminal mastermind in sheep’s clothing for all they know. The next Bernie Madoff. Yeah, that’s me.

I received a call from Moody’s Investor Service. They wanted to know if I would be interested in interviewing for a position working from 4:00 p.m. to 12:00 midnight.

No, I would not.

Aside from the fact that I would never (NEVER) see the girls, I wouldn’t feel good about working for Moody’s. They had a hand in the economic collapse. They’re the shitheads who rated toxic investments as AAA because it was lucrative for them to do so. I feel less ashamed collecting unemployment than I would being a part of their machine.

I interviewed at an investment bank this afternoon. I had to meet with three different people. All you do sit there and talk but it’s amazing how draining it is. When I left, I needed a nap. Three interviews just for a lousy 4-week project. It was overkill. Employers can afford to be choosy. But I’ll take it if they’ll have me.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m going through this transition without the benefit of a college degree on my resume. That I made it at far as I have without one has always been a wonder to me. I talk a pretty good game in the interview room. That’s how I got into bastions of snobbery like JP Morgan and Morgan Stanley.

When I was in my 20s, I was reluctant to reveal that I didn’t have a degree. You get judged real fast and rising above a stereotype is a lot of work. It’s probably what motivated me to develop a good rap.

[For the record, while all my friends disappeared into various universities, I spent six years in the Coast Guard, which was a fantastic experience. I had a hand in saving more than a few lives, thank you very much.]

After revealing my secret shame, some people would carry on about how their degree never did them any good and how they ended up working in a field that’s wholly unrelated to their area of expertise. Some even went so far to say that college a waste of their time. I think some of them sensed my unease and were being supportive. Others sincerely felt their degree was meaningless.

I received an email from a headhunter with the “perfect” position for my skill set. (They all say that.) He noted that I left my educational background off my resume. I wrote back that it was not an error and that I am, in fact, self-taught.

Unfortunately, this client has no flexibility at all re educational requirements. Will certainly hold your resume for future opportunities. Sorry!

The next person who tells me they wasted their money going to college (and means it) is going to get a swift, accurate kick in the nuts/ovaries.

8-Year Old Daughter: I drew this picture for you, Dad. It’s for you to hang at your desk when you get a job.

That hurt. Do you know what’s worse than being unemployed? Being unemployed with a daughter who is old enough to realize that you’re unemployed. Should I try to explain what investment income is in order to ease her mind? Or is that pointing out a problem that she is unaware of?

Jesus Christ. How did this happen to me? I started in investment banking years ago and thought I was set for life. I was never a six-figure “earner” but I thought I could carve out a fairly comfortable life. “What could possibly go wrong?,” I thought to myself. Plenty, it turns out.

Me: Give me a little kiss on my cheek.

3-Year Old Daughter: NO!

Me: Pleeeeease? I’ll pay you for one. How much are they?

3-Year Old Daughter: TWO DOLLARS!

Me: That’s a lot of money for a kiss!

3-Year Old Daughter: Well, they’re NOT ON SALE!

Honestly? The food is not that great but we keep going back. We probably always will.

There was a renovation in the 70’s so even though the structure is the same, the color palate has been changed. Unfortunately, if you ask me. I’d have preferred they keep the chrome, tube steel and red.