The best table in New Jersey

Posted on August 29, 2010 by Exile on Pain Street

If you go to Asbury Park and walk to the far end of the boardwalk, you’ll find an utterly charming diner called Dorian’s. There’s nothing at all wrong with the food. In fact, as you are about to see, it can be quite delectable. But just look at this view from the booths. It’s right on the beach! I can’t wait until I’m retired so I can go there and sit with my laptop and drink cup after cup after cup of coffee and watch the waves roll in. It must be a pretty great place to watch a storm roll in off the Atlantic.

I ordered a pork roll sandwich. Pork roll is a local delicacy that’s also known as Taylor ham. It’s a breakfast meat. For the life of me, I cannot understand why Taylor ham has not made its way outside of New Jersey. It’s fantastic. It’s like Canadian bacon but much saltier, which is to say, much more flavor-full

A Taylor ham sandwich is served on a roll and is accompanied by two over easy eggs and cheese. See the cheese dripping out in the picture above? Don’t you wish you had one right now? I sure do. Add a little salt and pepper and you’re ready to go.

You can walk off that big fat sandwich by strolling up and down the boardwalk. Or, you can ride one of these. They’re beach cruisers. They’re made of thick tube steel and have fat tires and baskets. You seem them on boardwalks all up and down the Jersey Shore.

Did you hear the cops finally busted Madame Marie
for tellin’ fortunes better than they do?
For me this boardwalk life is through, baby

4th Of July Asbury Park (Sandy)
Bruce Springsteen

Southside Johnny at the Stone Pony. You can’t get more Jersey than this, folks.

The REAL reason I visit my family. Part III: The Final Feeding

Posted on August 9, 2010 by Exile on Pain Street

Here is the final in what turned out to be a culinary trilogy of home cooking in Cleveland.My grandmother immigrated from Calabria, Italy, to Cleveland when she was a young girl. Her mother taught her how to make marinara sauce the way her mother made it. My grandmother taught my mom how to make it and my mom taught my sister. My niece is next in line and she had better get on it and, more importantly, get it right.

I cannot provide the recipe because I don’t know it. It’s a mystery that’s been passed through the generations. I do know that you have to make it many, many times before you finally produce a successful batch.

I also know that it’s made the day before it’s to be served and allowed to sit overnight. I don’t know the science behind why that’s done but the end results can’t be described. I’m not a good enough wordsmith to tell you how good this stuff is.

It goes without saying that Italian sausage and meatballs are made with the sauce. They are a meal unto themselves.

In addition to sausage and meatballs, she throws in a few neck bones. I’ve been eating neck bones for most of my life and have never stopped to think of what animal that tender, sweet meat is from. I think it’s a cow but I suppose it could be a pig. I honestly don’t know. I don’t care.

Neck bone before

Neck bone after

I asked (practically begged) my sister to whip up some sauce for my visit. Initially, I thought the heat of August wasn’t conducive to a heavy pasta meal but then I considered that they probably eat pasta in August in Italy. If it’s good enough for my cultural brethren, it’s good enough for my family and I.

Do you know what this tastes like? It tastes like home.

A little bit of Great Lakes lore for you.

Micro brewing is popular in Cleveland (as it is in most regions). The Great Lakes Brewing Co. makes a lovely Porter called Edmund Fitzgerald. It’s named in honor of the Great Lakes freighter Edmund Fitzgerald. In 1975, the ship sank in Lake Superior during a gale. It happened so quickly that a distress signal was never sent. She was just 17 miles from safe harbor. All 29 of her crew perished, with none of the bodies recovered.

When the wreckage was located, it was discovered that she broke in half. When I was in the Coast Guard, I remember reading the controversial investigation reports. There are some interesting theories about what would cause a ship that size to split in half but, to this day, they still don’t know.

Tooth decay and lung cancer

Posted on July 21, 2010 by Exile on Pain Street

I live about two miles from the town center. It’s quaint. You’ve seen a million places just like it. Little mom-n’-pop shops, restaurants, nice places to stroll. In the summer, they have weekend music festivals whereby local musicians play on the sidewalks. They are cleverly spaced apart and around corners so that no one performer interferes with another.

We took The Daughters for a walkabout. We listened to some weepy, sensitive singer-songwriter types and then got some ice cream at the local parlor. In addition to ice cream, they sell “vintage” candy. That’s not to say that the candy is old. It’s the kind of stuff that yuppies use to buy when they were kiddies.

I am happy to report that all of the tobacco products are still represented. Did you ever buy these bubblegum cigarettes? I sure did. If you take one out of the pack and gently blow into it, the powder from the gum will come out of the other end and it’ll look like smoke. It’s genius! If these are intended to be a gateway drug, they worked. I smoked for a few years when I got old enough to buy the real thing.

The “Victory” cigarettes are supposed to be Viceroy, the “Target” are supposed to be Lucky Strikes and “Round Up” is supposed to be Marlboro. I think it’s a hysterical coincidence that there is a company called Target that uses a big red dot in its branding identity.

For the more sophisticated (and male) audience, they have bubblegum cigars. My fav was always El Bubble. The “Pink Owl” is supposed to be White Owl cigars. I’m not sure what the others brands are. (Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?) The bubblegum cigars were always kind of hard and they hurt your jaw if you chew them for too long.

They didn’t want to leave out the red neck contingency so they also have bubble gum chewing tobacco. I never bought a pack. Everyone knows that chewing tobacco isn’t good for you.

These are candy buttons. Solid sugar. After you eat a sheet, you end up with a wad of wet paper in your mouth. But I always ate them, anyway.

Did you know that if you eat these and drink a Coke at the same time, your stomach will explode and you’ll DIE! That’s how Mikey died, poor thing.

It’s the little things that haunt you

Posted on July 19, 2010 by Exile on Pain Street

8-Year Old Daughter has developed a peculiar sleeping habit. When she goes to bed at night, she sleeps on top of her covers. She refuses to get under the sheets. Refuses! I had an epiphany the other day and realize where this behavior was born.

I do housework. Shut up. I just do. Among my other duties, I take care of making and stripping the beds. Daughter’s bed is almost impossible to make. It’s against two walls in the corner of her room and a chest is at the foot, which leaves just one side open. I get into terrible wrestling matches with the mattress trying to get everything tucked in properly. Sometimes I get so angry it’s comical.

It has come to pass that Daughter will not get under her covers because, in her words, “The bed is too hard to make.” Do you see what I did to that poor little thing? She won’t sleep under her sheets because she’s afraid it will displease me. I can’t tell you how bad I feel about this.

This is a small matter as things go, but I wonder what other little time bombs I’ve unwittingly planted inside of her head? I worry about how the world is going to hurt my kids but I forget that they hang on every single word that comes out of my mouth. I don’t want her to inherit my neurosis.

* * *

Front page story from today’s New York Times:

Pakistan’s Elite Pay Few Taxes, Widening Wealth Gap

Call me an old Pinko but that’s exactly what’s been happening here in the U.S. for many generations. Why would they expect Pakistan to be any different? Did you know that in 2009, General Electric made a global profit of $10.8 billion (That’s billion with a “b”.) and paid exactly $0 (that’s ZERO) in taxes?*

* Money magazine April 16, 2010

PINK!

Posted on April 13, 2010 by Exile on Pain Street

8-Year Old Daughter’s shirt has the exact same color values and saturation as the blossoms. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her walk in front of the tree and she disappeared into it.