Category Archives: NYC: A Users Guide

Loch Central Park

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I took one of the last warm days of the season off from work and dragged 7-Year Old Daughter into the city. Again. She’s been there quite a few times now and walks around like she owns the place. It’s pretty funny. She has developed a comfort level with the city, which is by design.

Renting a row boat on Central Park Lake is probably The Most Touristy thing you can do, but it’s a fantastic experience. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve done it. It’s still a thrill. And it only costs about $10 bucks! So worth it. The Central Park row boats and the landmark Carousel are absolute musts on a warm day. You’re never too old for that stuff.

I like watching clueless city people try to row a boat. They often row incorrectly; with the stern of the boat going forward. The bow of the boat cuts through the water quite nicely but for some reason, dopey New Yorkers prefer the struggle of trying to push the stern through water. Perhaps it’s in their nature to make things more difficult than they need to be.

Here we are at beautiful Bethesda Fountain. Did you see Tony Kurshner’s Angels in America? This fountain plays an important role. There’s a charming song-and-dance number in The Daughter’s favorite movie, Enchanted, that features the fountain.

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If you row out to the middle of the lake you can get a spectacular view of the luxury hotels along Central Park South. For being in the middle of New York City, the lake is actually quite big.

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Many years ago, my brother was visiting and I took a photo of him rowing. When I got the pictures developed, I discovered that I accidentally got a shot of his testicle hanging out of his shorts! Do you guys want to see it?

If you visit Central Park mid-week you’ll witness a phenomenon called “The Leisure Class.” These are people who hang out in the city all day and have no visible means of support. They don’t have proper jobs. And these are not tourists! They’re locals! Look how crowded Sheep Meadow is on a Thursday afternoon. Where do they get the money to live like this? Arrrgghh.

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Random architectural flourish. Click on that and take a look at the latticework. Nice!

I heart New York. Always have. Probably always will.

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What to avoid in NYC. Tip #2: dining options

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If you walk north on Seventh Avenue, just before you enter Times Square at 41st Street, you’ll be greeted on the northwest corner by this:

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[Edit: Jason made an astute comment that‘s worth mentioning. Do you see that giant plastic illumined lobster? It slowly rotates! It’s simply awful. It’s hard to be tacky in Times Square but they’ve managed.]

And by on the northeast corner by this:

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First, let me state that I am neither anti-chain restaurant, nor a “foodie“ (I hate that word). I am as far away from a food snob as you could possibly get, which is a shame since some of the finest restaurants on the planet can be found here. I have nothing against the Red Lobsters and Ruby Tuesdays of the world. (Or McDonalds’s, for that matter.) They all serve a purpose.

However.

If you’re going to spend the time and the money to come all the way to New York City, for the love of GOD, please don’t eat at the Red Lobster. I beg you. Save it for the mall. There are hundreds, nay, thousands of places to get a good cheap meal in the city. And this notion that you have to be a “local” to know where the good joints are is a load of horseshit. Get yourself a decent guidebook.

I know that familiarity breeds comfort and it‘s always easier to go with what you know. But if all you’re going to do is eat at the TGI Fridays on 48th Street in Times Square, then you’re wasting your vacation time and dollars. You were courageous enough to come to NYC, so step out of your comfort zone. Don’t eat at the Red Lobster!

In New York freedom looks like
Too many choices

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U2

A happy problem

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Let’s say you find yourself in midtown Manhattan with a few hours to kill (as I do). Would you visit the recently opened:

Georgia O’Keeffe Abstraction exhibit at the Whitney;


or the Kandinsky retrospective at the Guggenheim;

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or Monet’s Water Lilies at MoMA?

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It’s a feast for the eyes. It boggles the mind. It’s an embarrassment of riches. It deserves a whole new cliché.

Daughter in a Maelstrom

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On a summer day/evening, the best view in town is from the roof garden of the Metropolitan Museum of Art. You can look over the tree canopy of Central Park to the west, some of the most expensive real estate on the planet along 5th Avenue to the east and the Manhattan skyline to the south. It’s a pretty site.

As if that weren’t enough, every summer, the Met hosts a spectacular sculpture exhibit. Last year is was a set of playful sculptures by Jeff Koons.

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I took daughter to the roof for this year’s exhibit, the appropriately named Maelstrom by Roxy Paine. It’s a series of polished metal tree branches that twist and snake over the expanse of the roof.

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I wondered what the perception was for someone half my size. I watched her walk around the perimeter of the sculpture and then inside and it really did seem to consume her.

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The exhibit runs through late November, so if you’re going to be in town or are just a subway ride away (Jason/Leah) it’s worth the trip. Just don’t go on Friday night. It’s packed with after-work office drones who just want to drink and hook up. Not that there’s anything wrong with that but it tends to spoil the experience. I’m not sure the Friday night crowd cares about the art so much. They seem distracted.

Here’s a very cool video of the installation.

HAMMERTIME! redux

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I thought that New York City had the most fashion forward women on the planet. So what the hell is this?

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I was walking behind her down 41st Street just off 7th Avenue. (Fashion Avenue.) You know what these are, don’t you? These are a pair of clown pants.

Oh, excuse me. I mean MC Hammer pants.

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Are these back? Do you know what, ladies? They looked silly in 1990 and the passage of time has not improved them.

The older I get the more I realize that nothing in the fashion industry is all that revolutionary. They just recycle whatever was popular from the previous generation. The width of neckties and jacket lapels expand and contract on a scheduled basis.

Which brings us to this.

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[CB, you might want to bail out at this point.]

Bryant Park…my park where I spend my mornings…has been closed off and invaded by the fashion glamoratti. It’s fashion week here in New York. It’s an important industry that pumps loads of cash into the city coffers but, personally, I don’t understand high fashion one bit. It’s an industry that preys on the vain and the insecure. If you need to spend $1,400 on a pair of shoes, you’ve probably got some self-esteem issues you need to address. You should take that money and spend it on a proper therapist.

I want my park back.

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