Big birthday blizzard blowout

Posted on December 20, 2009 by Exile on Pain Street

Today was 7-Year Old Daughter’s birthday. Henceforth, she will now be known as 8-Year Old Daughter. She had big party plans but, unfortunately, she woke up to 18 inches of snow that began falling the previous day. There were no cars on the road. Outside was the the bright white light and muffled quiet that only a major snowfall can provide. It’s a singular sensation.

Of course, the party had to be scuttled. The roads were impassible and I doubt anyone would have come. It would have been irresponsible to go out driving in this mess for anything other than an emergency. So instead of having a party with her friends, she sat down in snow drifts.

She did not take the postponement very well. What 8-year old girl would? Her reaction upon hearing the news:

This is the worst birthday ever!

I don’t know about that. Years from now, she might remember it as being one of the most memorable. She’ll discover that birthday parties are a dime a dozen, but powerful storms that force you to live in the moment are a far more rare and valuable treat.

It’s Christmastime in the city pt. 2

Posted on December 19, 2009 by Exile on Pain Street

I visited the holiday window displays at Lord & Taylor. Lord & Taylor was the first retail store to create special holiday window displays that didn’t include merchandise. In these cynical days, it amazes me that they still do it.

The flagship store on 5th Avenue and 39th Street opened in 1914 and has been designated a New York City landmark. It’s a beautiful building but it’s one of those stores, like Saks Fifth Avenue and Tiffany & Co., that I stay the hell out of because of the intimidation factor.

Here are a few shots of the 2009 displays. Click on one or two of them. They’re pretty impressive. There’s a lot of old-world slow-moving animatronics. The work is miniature and finely detailed and I believe it has true artistic merit, but I think a lot of kids in this day and age would find it kind of dull. It’s a shame.

It’s Christmastime in the city pt. 1

Posted on December 17, 2009 by Exile on Pain Street

I was arguing with myself over whether or not I should do any holiday posts this year. I got all wrapped up in trying to gauge whether or not anyone is interested in reading this stuff but ultimately I decided to do what I’ve always done—write whatever the hell I like and hope it amuses.

* * *

Here’s the beautiful Bryan Park skating rink, all up and running. The building in the background is the back of the big New York Public Library on Madison and 42nd. The front of the building is guarded by two stone lions, Patience and Fortitude. Unfortunately, the statues are so old and frail that they can no longer hang big wreaths around their necks.

If you look in the upper left, you’ll see the neon-lit point of the Chrysler Building. The structure on the left is a 2-story restaurant/bar. You can get drinks and a not-too-cheap meal while watching skaters either glide gracefully or fall flat on their asses. It’s dinner and a show.

Here’s the rink from another angle with the Empire State Building bathed in red. Come to Manhattan and you, too, can ice skate in the shadow of two of the most important architectural landmarks in the city.

Behind these hallowed doors below the wreath you won’t find a bigger collection of thieves, vipers and swindlers. I’ve spent most of my career working for these clowns and I feel very different about them today than I did 18 months ago. 18 months ago I wouldn’t have referred to them as clowns. Santa will, inexplicably, be very good to them this year.

The Vibrator Play

Posted on December 16, 2009 by Exile on Pain Street

Yes, it’s a play about vibrators. Sort of.

In The Next Room or The Vibrator Play is Sarah Ruhl’s hysterical new comedy. Its true-to-life premise is a subject that’s begging for closer study by Nursemyra.

In the 1880s, shortly after electricity was brought into homes, doctors had the bright idea to use a newly invented medical device, the vibrator, to treat women for their hysteria. I’m not kidding! This really happened! The treatment, causing an orgasm, was looked upon as a purely medical procedure that had nothing to do with sex.

Ms. Ruhl cleverly and believably imagines what it must have been like for the early pioneers of orgasm creation in repressed times. The good doctor’s wife listens by the door as treatment is applied and begins to wonder what those strange sounds are coming from the female patients in the next room. And why do the female patients steadfastly insist that they are not getting any better and need the treatment to continue?

Ms. Ruhl’s habit is to name her plays exactly what they’re about. I saw her last play, Dead Man’s Cell Phone (a woman picks up a dead man’s cell phone that’s ringing) that starred my pretend girlfriend, Mary-Louise Parker. That one wasn’t nearly as satisfying as The Vibrator Play, but I was in the second row for Dead Man’s Cell Phone and almost jumped on stage to ask my Mary-Louise out for a drink.

For a good time, click here

Posted on December 15, 2009 by Exile on Pain Street

Tim Hall is, by my estimation, a writer who is deserving of a larger audience. He writes from the gut and has the scars to prove it. If you’re looking for some new literature to light up your holiday and make you laugh, you’re in luck. From now until the end of the year, you can get his books at 50% off. Click here and scroll down.

I recommend starting off with Full of It, the thinly veiled fictional story of the rise and fall of a Lower East Side underground newspaper and Half Empty, the story of a Brooklyn hipster who struggles with women and booze. Get ‘em.